First, remembering what I have heard when this happened recently, a dear friend in recovery spoke words like these, 'See this pain as a necessary part of your caring and loving God helping you to heal". That was beautiful. I felt so angry, that I was seeing it bitterly and resentfully. But, of course, I do actually believe that my HP (Higher Power) is loving and caring and very close by. So a reminder that helped me bring that perspective into this pain was a sweet moment. I remember where I was when this was said to me. It was a memorable encounter. I think the cognitive facts and deep truths behind that conversation transcend words, and something spiritual happened in that moment. I remember the wave of emotion that washed over me. Sadness, a cry of pain, accompanied by something sweet (bittersweet) and cathartic.
So, what else can I get from being there again? The simple and practical are the pain points to be aware of.
It was painful when she dropped the bomb, "Let's be flexible and play it by ear, there might not be time for us to make love today". I went from in control and happily looking forward to intimacy/affection/closeness/talking/quality time/love making/orgasm.... to.... unknown, no control, feeling rejected, feeling devalued and the lowest priority. I don't know how I felt really. I imagine I have a strong sense of others' feelings and I often am clueless of what I feel. I was resentful. I was appalled. I was angry (although I didn't feel it, really).
The other flashpoint was the next time we talked face to face. Could I be nice, would I be passive-aggressive? I think i had adrenaline pumping through me. I felt like I was in turbo mode. But it wasn't taking me anywhere good, faster. It was so automatic. I was hyper aware of her mistakes (perfectionism), super sensitive to how she wasn't giving me what I wanted (self absorbed). 'Ah, here I am listening to you (and your imperfections and silly little worries) yet you won't give me what I want (need?)'.
Another touchpoint was when I randomly did something which she thanked me for. My obsession immediately assumed she'd be grateful and I pictured her responding to my sexual advances--oblivious to the facts that nothing really had changed a bit since she said, 'no'. The last touchstone was the countdown clock. She had agreed to be somewhere (for someone else besides me!) and so the silly illogical obsessed me continued to hold on to selfish hope and fantastic imaginations that we'd somehow 'do it' as hours whittled down to less than an hour, and ultimately minutes. The stupid selfish lie (bogus promise) of those old porn 'quickies' that started as immediately as pressing play on a video clip haven't faded enough yet. Talking to others where I could express my anger and remind myself by admitting to them what the healthy me really wanted helped, a little, over time.
