Obsession of the Mind

Learning about addiction via the 12 steps and AA.  They see addiction as a three part problem.  One, obsession of the mind.  Two allergy of the body.  Three spiritual malady.  See Wiki here.

Makes good sense with Alcoholics who can't stop once they start (physical allergy means once they act out they keep using, powerless to stop (rather than usual understanding of allergy, i.e. breaking out in hives or swelling, etc.).  The obsession of the mind is or insanity of the mind is about kidding yourself into thinking you can dance around the fire of the addiction and not get burned.  Left on my own, without doing the steps or finding health, I'm sure to talk myself into a situation where I find myself acting out.  Finally, the spiritual malady is the most important part because by treating this aspect of my addiction, I can find freedom and overcome all three problems.

Obsession of the mind:  I think my obsession does more than just trick me into acting out.  It robs me of many moments of peace or effectiveness as so so so many minutes and experiences that make up hours and hours of my weeks and years are distracted, disconnected and selfish.  It's the hundreds of times every day when my eye focuses on a female form, a curvy shape.  It could lead me to acting out, but even if it doesn't, the distraction and interruption is selfish, unproductive and disconnecting.

I love how the 12-steps are action oriented and solution focused.  I can't go long without 'okay, what are you gonna DO about it?' which is really what I need to get me out of my head and beyond endless theorising and philosophising.

The action is the pursuing spiritual health.  That's it.  It involves meditating (great to slow down, to quieten myself, to give some time away from social media, work or endless busyness!) it involves praying, but this time it's to my Higher Power (as I understand, as I don't understand).  This is familiar, yes brand new.  God, I trust You and ask you to help me as I'm powerless to improve my spiritual health.  I rely on you to show me what I must today to be more healthy (less selfish).  Help me to act different, to be different, to take steps of love with an attitude of growing thankfulness and humility.

Higher Power: take this away!

So I've been doing S.A.A for 3 months now, and I could write loads about it, but I'm writing because I'm in that place, feeling those feelings.

Last night:  no sex.  Late, tired, family evening so not ideal.  She said let's go to sleep and hinted that we could 'do it' in the morning.   She specifically said she doesn't want to spend all morning in bed (duh, house full of visiting relatives).  So in the morning I was wide-awake hours before she'd stir, so I went downstairs and got some work done.  Prayed my daily prayers and disciplines as agreed with my sponsor (not heavy shepherding at all, it's why I'm doing so much better!).

While downstairs I had the first morning to see my eldest son at breakfast time for months.  I was happy to chat to him and it was easy to offer to help him with some revising.  But I made her a cup of tea as I thought it was about the right time for her to be waking up.

I took her the tea and she woke up (I wish she didn't take so long to wake up in the morning).
I talked to her for an hour or so (I wish she didn't take so long to talk, and would move to affection).
I had offered to help my son with studying, and knew he had to leave in an hour or so, so not long after she moved over and put her arm around me, I decided to say that I am going downstairs to see if Eldest needed help studying.  She was surprised, but didn't mind (I wish she was desperate and gagging for it and would beg me to stay and screw her right away!). 

I didn't feel too bad, not angry (it was my decision) not sad, but a little annoyed.  Downstairs, Eldest didn't want any help studying, but the rest of the household was up and awake by now.  In the back of my mind is the fact that we've missed out on a chance for sex, and tonight will probably not be ideal either (three days in a row?!).

How much was I distracted, maybe 10%, not much.  Then after Eldest left the house for the morning, and she started talking about going upstairs for a shower, my mind started upping the ante and increasing to about 50%, not angry, not obsessed, but distracted and a little tense.  Will she suggest we 'spend some time together' (her code that she uses when we are with others, and even on our own).  She walked over to me where I sat and leaned over and kissed me without particularly making eye contact and without saying anything as she said she's going for her shower.  Was it an invitation for me to say or do something?  Naw, it didn't seem like it.  Seemed like she is relieved or glad or at best un-fussed.  With a house full of family, including visitors, it's not ideal scenario for her to enjoy it.  With a big meal to cook, her mind is elsewhere.  I wish she could make love to me when others are around without being distracted.  I wish she could make love to me without being put off by jobs that are on her mind like a meal she's going to cook.

So, the 12-step program gave me the idea to pray and ask for Him to take this selfish/addictive urge away.  Did that in my head, giving it over to him.  Now I admit m powerlessness and I pray for Him to be what I am needing/wanting from sex right now. 

I thought of calling my sponsor, but felt it better to try to do this with God myself, at least for now.  I remembered my feelings would lessen, or pass, as I'm feeling pretty adrenaline pumped, deciding to stay away from upstairs where she's getting dressed and near our bed.   I wish the only place we made love wasn't our bed, our room, when she's already undressed.

I reviewed my daily thankful list, so let's do that again from memory:  I'm grateful God loves me, accepts me, can and wants to meet my needs.  I'm grateful to be in a family (the one that's visiting).  I'm grateful to not be alone.  I'm grateful she loves me, is willing to have sex with me, even when that's not now. I'm grateful for discipline which means I can learn to floss, and pray, and do the program. I'm grateful for SAAers who I enjoy talking and listening to so much!  I am grateful that she will give me sex before this weekend has finished, or so I am confident.  And I am grateful that God knows what I really need and will not leave me or reject me.  I am grateful that spiritual health is something I can seek, and that control of my life and desires is something I can handover.