Healed Addict

Letter to 12 year old self, draft1

2012-01-29T12:59:00.001Z

So, you've been at this for a while now and a twelve year old can see a few years as a lifetime.

But I know you better than most and you can trust me to want only the best for you.

Pain

It seems unbearable and especially unnatural and unfair but pain is part of life and you are not alone in wanting to avoid it. If no one else has told you to face it and that they'd stand by your side I am saying that now. You can do it and you are not alone. It won't last as long as you think. Once you make up your mind to sit it out, it gets easier and it's a pleasant surprise how it does pass quicker than you'd have expected.

Sadness/Anger

You grew up thinking sadness or anger are not allowed but they are unavoidable. This doesn't mean the world is a bad place, it's actually a better place when it's a real place and when it has the full spectrum of experiences. There's a cathartic cleansing feeling that comes with letting the sadness/anger go through you rather than trying to keep it out or keep it in.

Sex

Remember when you first had sex and you thought, "Wow, someone thinks enough of me to do this with me!". Well the good news is someone thinks a lot more of you than that. It's hard to talk about this when it's been shaded in secrecy and shame, but let me tell you it's not everything. It's not the meaning of life and it's not the source of wholeness or satisfaction or redemption. It's great fun and you'll have wonderfully "mind-blowing" experiences but it's just the icing on the cake, not the food that nourishes your soul. It is magical and spiritual sometimes, but don't build your world around it, ok?

Masturbation

You don't need to be ashamed anymore. Every man has gone through a time of masturbating and I am finishing that phase for us. It doesn't give us what we need and it causes more problems rather than helping. We're as strong as anyone and we're not alone! We've beat other habits and we've shown determination and self-discipline that it truly inspiring!

Pornography

Can you imagine talking to someone about this? It's possible. It does happen. You might be overwhelmed by shame but me and others love you and are telling you that we can talk about it just fine. The amazingly beautiful and captivating female form is a god-given masterpiece but it's not meant to be your sunlight or meat and vegetables. Our use of porn has strengthened the brain synapses between seeing an attractive female form and being turned on and wanting an orgasm. These two don't need to be connected and this connection will be eased to make sex and the rest of our life better too!

Affirmation from Dad

You will one day see that Dad did his best and didn't mean to hurt you. Sometimes you've misread him and imagined problems between you two that weren't really there (he never expected you to be perfect). Of course he's made mistakes but he loves you. He wants the best for you. He has tried and he isn't perfect either. You will get what you need--but not always from him and not always when or how you want it. Forgiving him is best and I see us doing it and everything being better for it. You are doing a good job. Well done, keep it up. Your Heavenly Father has seen you stumble but He's very proud of all you have done; the way you have not given up, the way you keep fighting. Both of your father's would be proud of how you keep pursing what is right. You can take comfort from seeing how your own sons are going up and bearing good fruit. What you didn't get from your Dad you can enjoy giving to your own sons--mistakes included!

Pain like

2012-01-19T10:43:00.001Z

Pain like a tooth ache gnawing, deep that comes in waves and throbs like the thumping beat of repetitive urban dance track.

The relief is nearby, but you gotta stay away as it's no cure, just a fix that will feed the monster making him bigger and louder.

How to rise above it? Grit your teeth and pretend "its just a flesh wound"?

Introduce the negative, overbearing elephant in the room? Not very nice or conducive for enjoying each others' company.

There's no appointment to look forward to. No helpline or surgery or hospital. Can't even get away from it as its in me.

Renounced

2012-01-19T00:51:00.001Z

So, it must be time to fast from sex again because I seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. I'm doing well at not eating junk and I'm just about keeping to my new plan to run 3 times a week. Does that have anything to do with why I am more demanding sexually? less flexible and more troubled!

I denounce feeling like I need sex just because I pursued it. I am free to pursue her and she is free to say no. She doesn't owe it to me!

I denounce craving disconnected sex that seems far too much like masturbation or the fantasy of porn sex (immediate, no kissing, wham-bam-just-thinking-of-me-ma'am).

I denounce seeing sex from perspective of what I can get and being oblivious to what I can give and what she can get.

I denounce the lie that once I've imagined getting it, I will physically hurt until it happens. As Mark Gungor says, "You will not die!"

Looking back at night of turmoil

2011-11-30T04:44:00.001Z

I couldn't believe she'd send me off to Europe without an orgasm. Nevermimd it was only two nights. Once the anger eased after a few hours, I just wanted to sleep. Nope.

In the morning it now seems odd to expect something with so much intensity--but it was real. How many times did I consider waking her? It'd only set a unhelpful precedent, and I had the presence of mind to remember how unsatisfying it is when it's empty and grudgingly given.

Good to have emailed my pastor & stayed off the dodgy websites & tv. Lord knows I was tempted!

So, some good things in the battle & pain.

Trapped

2011-11-30T02:06:00.001Z

I am off to Europe for three days away for work. I screwed up last night trying to get "easy sex" which left me feeling guilty and her not particularly good. So tonight, why did I come at my hope for sex with a whole new set of expectations? I knew it was my last night for an orgasm for three nights. I said, "we don't HAVE to do it". Yet I still was APPAULED and SHOCKED when she rolled over to go to sleep leaving me hanging. I seethed for a while. I eventually moved on a bit thinking, "what's this like for her' and 'she's not just a sexual being'. But I layed there feeling literally trapped. If I go upstairs to do some work I'll be tempted by Porn on the computer. If I write in this blog downstairs I'll be tempted by the stupid phone sex porn channel on freeview! Damn! I laid there too wired to sleep, wanting to reach over to her and touch her, wanting to go somewhere. Where can I go to get away from this shit that's inside me?

Counseling has shown me that I need to take responsibility. No use blaming her--even if I can come up with a thousand new ways to say it. A new voice in my imagination helps me to pray and consider other perspectives--but this is so fucked up! Oh well, a night with no sleep--it's not the first time. A half a week without sex--happens all the time. Jesus, please help me! Thank you that you are near the broken. Thank you that you are near. Thank you that you give rest to your beloved. Thank you that you are showing me that I don't have to have the stimulus now as there usually is a tomorrow.

Letting Go, Clawing Back

2011-10-04T16:56:00.001+01:00

So for the last three or four days I've known I would be flying on a work trip in the afternoon. That means time away from home and orgasms.

I've been hoping we'd get a quicky or similar as I dont need to leave for airport after lunchtime.

Why obsess so early? I tried to reign it back & made her lunch, but I ended up kissing & wanting to be "serviced".

So I got kissing after we ate & talked, but ran out of time leaving Horney & cross

Resolve, where are you?

2011-09-14T10:33:00.001+01:00

Last night we talked properly for the first time in a week. Good we can connect without sex. But as we hugged I tried to get her to kiss & picked up right away right where I left off last time trying to change her mind and exercise control over the most pleasurable thing of all.

So she held back & I could see to not keep pushing. This morning I was going thru scenarios trying to find a loophole in how to keep promise but have an orgasm too. Such a strong drive. There is no way. Grrrrrr

5/9ths

2011-09-13T20:43:00.002+01:00

5 days down, 9 days to go

Haven't prayed, which might be why I'm still angry and distant from her. It's kinda gone quickly, but in other ways it's really difficult. God, please help!

Please let this achieve something and please heal me, Lord!

Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
			8th 14!	9th 13	10th 12	11th 11
12th 10	13th 9	14th 8	15th 7	16th 6	17th 5	18th 4
19th 3	20th 2	21st 1	22nd 0!

Another Self Imposed Dry Period

2011-09-08T18:52:00.003+01:00

Today starts another 2 weeks of abstinence. Will have to be less affectionate so we make the whole 2 weeks this time. Thursday 22nd celebration!

She probably won't b so impressed this time, but I guess I have more confidence too.

Am hoping I am pushed to lean on God again

2 Week Countdown Starts!

Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
			8th 14!	9th 13	10th 12	11th 11
12th 10	13th 9	14th 8	15th 7	16th 6	17th 5	18th 4
19th 3	20th 2	21st 1	22nd 0!

AUGGH!

2011-07-19T14:02:00.002+01:00

So, less than 24 hours to go. I struggled last night--not with M or porn but wanting to kiss and touch--which would have led from one thing to another to another until we would have missed our solemn goal of abstaining!

AUGHH! It hurts! Girls tight tops and skirts and legs and cleavage!

Lord help me!

Slipped , but didn't sin

2011-07-17T15:39:00.001+01:00

So, messed around and went too far kissing the night before last. It
was great that I could get her turned on. That power was as good as
anything else. I told myself that I was just kissing, but I'm sure
she would have offered to not leave me behind, and I would've gone
along with that, being so turned on and all.

So, she didn't pick up on anything but it being good. I was kinda
pushing her to kiss me and she didn't notice?

Afterward one of my first thoughts was disappointment of missing our
goal to fast for my purity and freedom. But, it wasn't the end of the
world. Exciting.

So next day we started again & said we'd watch the kissing unrrul Wednesday.

Day 8: 5 days left

2011-07-15T08:38:00.004+01:00

okay, the weekend starts this evening, then I only have Mon and Tues to go!

I want wednesday to be a positive thing about her and how fabulous she is, not about me and my cold turkey addiction trial. Gonna start woo-ing and romancing her.

I have felt a very strong urge to kiss her passionately, the old "one thing leads to another" like before we were married and trying to remain pure. Wasn't 100% successful at it then, so please God heal me and teach me and deliver me!

Looking forward....

2011-07-14T18:20:00.001+01:00

Looking forward to sex again (six days).

But this gnawing discomfort in my groin isn't really about that
though. Or at least the root of it isn't. I might feel disappointed
and it might even be anticlimactic. Ha!

Please Lord, be Lord of my sexuality & fill this hurt. I'm not
waiting for Wednesday, I want to let you in now.

6 days to go

2011-07-14T13:00:00.002+01:00

halfway there. Last two days were pretty easy, but no so much now.

I feel that dull ache in an area that is symbolic of the perceived problem (not in my heart where it really should be).

I had a really good day at work the other day (that helped). I'm halfway there, oh I already said that. Hey, this is a prayer. The only audience that matters for this blog is God.

Father, "Help!!!" I know you can, I know you care, I know you are here. Help!

day 4: 9 days left

2011-07-11T19:31:00.003+01:00

Maybe this won't be enough. Shouldn't it be tougher?

Not that i'm liking it. Will I need to do this again or for longer?

She thinks I'm handling it well. She doesn't notice how I'm a bit turned in on myself. It was nice having extra affection for the first few days, but I am annoyed and mildly angry (at her).

I am much strickter with myself about where my eyes go as I know I can't get any satisfaction/relief anywhere in sight. Not the best motivation--just being honest.

Maybe this torture and struggle is actually less than what most people go through in this or other areas. Why do I think my problems are so much worse than most other people? what about people suffering from serious diseases or who don't have sex? Let's compare myself to them instead of characters in porn movies (or don't compare at all-even better).

Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
					9th 11	10th 10
11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Sunday: 10 days left

2011-07-10T13:07:00.002+01:00

Getting more hugs than ever.

Verse: Psalms 73:28 But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have
put my trust in the Lord GOD, That I may declare all Your works.

Am I gonna be a shaking strewn-out withdrawal obsessed wreck in a
week? Am I gonna be thinkin about it every second? Will it get was
easier?

Cleanse me, oh God!

Day 2, 12 to go

2011-07-09T12:58:00.003+01:00

Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun
					9th 11	10th 10
11th 9	12th 8	13th 7	14th 6	15th 5	16th 4	17th 3
18th 2	19th 1	20th!

Last night, the first night going to bed together knowing we wouldn't make love for two weeks. I'm angry at her even tho I believe her when she says she's doing this 'for' me and our relationship and my freedom.

Slept crap

Still did 5k race this morn. Tough as always. I prayed for selfishness to break. Colleague chatted to me briefly and that time went fast. Thought of helping another runner and remembered how
helpful that is for me. Thanked Him that I'm not alone & didn't feel strong dreaded desire to give up. Looking back, I enjoyed not being overwhelmed by the women in Lycra too.

Here We GO!!!!

2011-07-08T20:56:00.003+01:00

So I bit the bullet and suggested we do a 1 Corinthians 7:5

"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

The evening I suggested that we didn't make love, and I thought, man if one day is this hard, how is it gonna be for so many days?!! When I thought of the word, "IDOL" I thought we do need to do this for me. Hoping we'll find a new freedom in affection and reset or reboot my sexual expectations (maybe not immediately, but when we sow we reap!).

Then I come home from work a few hours ago and I've pretty much decided that 2 weeks is the amount of time I want us to do. A long enough stretch for it to have chance to flush out some demons and raise the crap that's in me, but not the month I originally thought as maybe that's being too extreme.

So what does she say? (besides that she'd thought 10 days)... She says, let's start yesterday. So, I have this huge dominating thought that she "doesn't want to make love to me tonight", didn't want to do it this evening--a rare evening that we have together without the kids. Damn! Start NOW! OUCH!!!! ^%$^%$£*&^* There are no words.

Anyway, "Here we go" God, please help me on this wild rollercoaster ride! I don't want to settle for anything but getting the most out of this experience and spiritual discipline. Not in my strength, in His (however that works), but I want to shake loose as many chains and shackles this month as possible! No it won't solve everything and some things might take time to kick in and bear fruit, but please, "MORE LORD".

My church leader said at the end of this time we might decide to extend it. Ha! That'd be a miracle for me to consider that!

Start Finish

Thurs 7th Wed 21st

I DON'T need sex or orgasms! (As Mark Gungor says, "I will not die!"

Jesus!

Triggers for lie: unwanted

2011-06-10T01:38:00.001+01:00

She doesn't want me sexually--Again!

She NEVER wants me anywhere except bed.

she never wants me anytime except bedtime at night right before sleeping.

She never thinks about making live, dressing in a skirt: stockings,
lingere, or anything creative or different about sex.

She sometimes "makes the effort" but that's a chore and work and not
what she really wants to do.

She never wants to go to bed early with me--specifically to NOT sleep.

porn bitches pretend to want it anytime, all the time, anywhere,
everywhere, wearing anything. Nothing is too much trouble--for the
money they're making or the emptiness they're trying to fill.

Awake again

2011-06-10T01:14:00.001+01:00

So why wouldnt we do it 2night?

1) were not in sync or connecting, actually seems everything she says
is annoying me immensely.

2) tired

3) still not sure where we stand after struggling with not doing it this morning

Why am I gutted and appauled and dumbfounded that we didn't do it tonight?

1) we didn't do it this morn
2) we didn't do it yesterday or last night
3) dont think we did it the day before either
(but that's not supposed to be the point)
4) her period is due any day, so we wnt be doing it for a week
5) I gave her an out, didn't think she'd take it based on 1-4 etc.

If I was away I'd not 'newd it'. If she was sick I could cope. Is it
because she's been so accommodating or giving that I expect her to
be--all the time. I can't make her change her mind. I am not in
control. This is the need that I need Jesus to meet. Sleep. Rest.
Respite from this never ending obsession. Masturbation doesn't really
help. Sex doesn't help when she doesn't want to. Well, she dosn't.

Jesus!

Angry and unable to relate normally

2011-06-09T11:23:00.003+01:00

Oh one hand I know that she doesn't always want to. I know it takes her time and that she wants to spend our time together doing other things too. But I can't get away from my hope and thoughts that she will this time. I watched the clock go from 9:30 to 9:45 to 10:00 (now looking bad) to 10:15 (forget it--but there's always hope!). I can think of the right perspective of us being in sync and me woo'ing her and being giving. But what's dominating my thoughts is whether I'll get anything and how her not wanting to this time and all the other times plays into the hand of the thought that she never wants me.

So I decide to try to talk normally to her. No point in being affectionate as on one hand I don't think it's very giving to try to be intimate with so little time, and on the other hand I'm not in a place to communicate freely and openly and easily. I'm battling between selfishness and everything else.

So she is completely aware that I'm not at ease. She knows I want "it" but knows it's not the right spirit/feel/reasons. Finally, at about 10:40 we start talking about all this.

My expectations and hopes are for MORE more more more. But I know that's wrong so I resist.

Better Decisions/Reactions

2011-06-09T11:23:00.001+01:00

So the other night she indicated "no".

Seems no matter how tired I am and how hard it is to stay awake, once she says no, I get angry and wide awake!

This time turned out okay as when the thought, "She NEVER says yes and gives to me. I ALWAYS am the one not getting what I want"... I then thought, "Wait a minute, just a few days ago you were ready to let her off the hook and she surprised you by thinking of you and giving to you! So "Never" is very not true!

2 Corinthians 10:5 "...casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ"

Die! Die! Die!

2011-04-27T09:09:00.002+01:00

So give up on settling for sex on the physical layer, it detracts rather than being better than nothing.

Sex isn't the answer. No amount is enough. God, I give that need (right AND wrong) to you.

Please help me to not punish her or withdraw or have an angry attitude with her.

She loves me & is not going anywhere, but does not want me as much as I want to be wanted. She can't meet that need. Its a lie that she doesn't want me. True that she doesn't want me enough to satisfy my addiction. That's where only God can help & it's no use expecting
anyone else to. I'm not alone. He's near & cares.

Less

2011-04-26T16:41:00.006+01:00

Before going on vacation for two weeks with her, I remember thinking, "I'm gonna have to settle for less sex". This thought came with a feeling of despair. I don't want less!

For the few weeks prior I noticed a lot of our sex was not so rewarding, except on the base-ist physical level. I decided to leave a few days from initiating with the hope of giving her a break (giving!) and maybe getting a better connection in the long run (getting).

I need to do the same now. She mentioned that we've done it a lot on our vacation. That sounds to me like she doesn't want to do it so much now. It reminds me how it's felt a little unsatisfying. Problem is I want it just as much as ever.

I tried saying "no one does it daily" but I still want it and try for it every day. She said no last night and I'm angry even now as I type this.

Jesus, please help me to overcome this lie that she doesn't want me. Please help me to "die to self" in this oh-so-painful way (yes I can feel an uncomfortable pressure in a specific part of my body right now).

Reading this poetic encouragement helped some, but I am in that place again.

More good news from/for self

2011-01-24T13:56:00.001Z

Remember fondly waking up @ 2am hungry and NOT giving in to eating?

Remember getting up from table for a whole week still a little hungry, but enjoying more to see?

Remember fasting lunch & enjoying the rich strength from him a few days later?

Remember the joy of sharing Jesus with N. and how you (I) were on top of the world, seeing the sky a different richness, colour?

Remember the quiet satisfaction from forgetting the gadgets and playing chess with Ian and enthusing about filmmaking with Simon?!!!

Remember that it was worthwhile to resist. Not eating while hungry, at 2am & other times, made Papa proud. Didn't feel as good as an orgasm, but didn't follow on with guilt or erosion of strength either.

Logic and truth aren't enemies of freedom or creativity. Romans inspires the power we can draw on OVER sin from Him.

Ironic how praying & the Bible are keys to breaking out of cycle of addiction, but my heart and attitude can render them useless to me for a far too long.

Note from thriving self

2011-01-23T09:56:00.000Z

Note from thriving self.

The world is better with optimism & hope.
It's better when you give the benefit of the doubt to yourself and the Creator.

You might automatically see things grey, default to pessimism, withdraw, and look for escape and a soothing tonic.....

But you are.... Me. Remember how much better it was to try the better way. Even when difficult, it isn't taking you where you want to go, is it?

Remember that it was worthwhile to resist. Not eating while hungry, at 2am & other times, made Papa proud. Didn't feel as good as an orgasm, but didn't follow on with guilt or erosion of strength either.

Logic and truth aren't enemies of freedom or creativity. Romans inspires the power we can draw on OVER sin from Him.

Ironic how praying & the Bible are keys to breaking out of cycle of addiction, but my heart and attitude can render them useless to me for a far too long.

180 degrees

2010-07-22T17:51:00.003+01:00

I started journaling in a time when I felt so far away from God that I started wondering if He was available for me to find at all. My experience of my Father being absent or distant tainted my view of God until I feared He was the same.

It's been a long dark time. I've seen a measure of improvement, like a rock climber slowly painfully yanking himself up a sheer cliff wall, one inch at a time.

That picture is great as it shows me doing it myself and it doesn't show God anywhere.

I keyed off other sufferers of addiction, looking for fellowship and answers, but also picking up on their frustration with the Bible and ineffectiveness of the Church. To be fair, all the people who I believed had found healing attributed it identically: Jesus. Not a method, not a concept, not an idea. A revelation and change of heart.

That rings true still.

But how to get there?

That was my search.

Was this destined to be my path to healing? I often wonder if I could get there quicker, if I'm my own worst enemy stubbornly holding on to my demons, avoiding seeking God?

I think I'm out of touch with what pain feels like. I can't measure it or comment on it. Was I in too much pain? Was it too much for me to approach God? Seems like not, but then I'd blame myself. I think I did try to seek Him, sometimes in some ways.

Thing is that a major change has come, I've found Him again. I asked Him to show me that He's near and He has. It's not been a tangible Hallelujah moment, it's been much more naturally supernatural. Thing is that it's real. I am enjoying knowing He's here. I have hope in hearing Him and finding Him and enjoying Him again. It's not as much as I hunger and thirst for (makes sense). I even find myself being selfish and avoiding Him or the discipline or work of seeking Him--even right now when I've got such a recent and good experience!

So a lot of this has come about as I've embraced some very "black and white" charismatic Christians ministry and, despite my out of control cynicism, God has allowed me to receive some freedom. How did it happen? Some people were praying and have been praying. Some other people (not perfect, just people who trust Jesus) have preached the Truth, given me

a chance to pray and respond to God, then given me a chance to pray while someone stood with me in agreement. It sounds so simple and sometimes it was cheesy. But all I can say is God used that to clear out my cobwebs and see Him and enjoy Him. I didn't pray about my addiction specifically as I knew I needed more time and wanted to do this one-to-one rather than in a large group. The ministry I had was called, "Cleansing Stream" from an American pastor and author who I deeply respect, Jack Hayford. Next is a very similar but one-to-one process called, "Restoring the Foundation". (Even watching the promotional video brought up more cynicism in me. But by the time it was over I was welling up with tears and I'd changed my mind--again).

So my advice is to TRY praying. Try talking to Him. Try listening to Him! Find someone loving who can pray for you. Maybe DO listen to that person who is suggesting you memorize some verses from the Bible! Just because it hasn't worked or has set off legalistic alarms in the past doesn't mean it can't actually be His way of helping you and healing you!

God is so Good!

I am up

2010-06-04T22:28:00.003+01:00

Well over 95% of my postings here are written when I'm mad, horney and/or sad.

Hurray that tonight I'm not, although it's been 3 times longer than I
usually wait for sex. Yes, three whole revolutions of this big blue
marble!

So I've not blown my load for a long time, yet I'm happy! How can
that be? Dunno. Read some good stuff in Eric Claptons biography, and
some fantasticly fabulouso amazingly freeing and life-full words in No
Perfect People Allowed!

Life is good!

I don't want much...

2010-05-31T11:17:00.001+01:00

I don't always want sex or an orgasm, just under certain circumstances:

1) if I'm sad to cheer myself up
2) if I'm happy to celebrate
3) if I'm bored for stimulation
4) if I've done something well as a reward
5) if I've something has gone wrong as a commiseration
6) if I've just enjoyed great sex, then I'd like it to not end
7) if it's been a long time since sex, then I'd desperate and obsessed!
8) if it's morning, I wake up with a woody
9) if it's daytime, I'm enthralled by the idea of an "afternoon delight"
10) if it's nighttime, then I know I better get what I can as it'll be 24 hours before the next opportunity
11) if she's in the mood (the good stuff, as it's meant to be)
12) if she's not in the mood (quickie, easy disconnected sex!)

Seems this list is missing some entries, but you get the idea

2010: Five Years!

2010-05-21T12:26:00.005+01:00

Just noticed I've been posting my bile and infectious spewings here for five years, since 2005! So what's changed since then? Sadly, I'm not completely free yet, but things continue to get better.

Good:
After what I percieve as "missing out on sex" I am not angry at her for the entire next day

I am very rarely tempted to masturbate, regardless of how tired or horny or angry or sad.

When we don't do it I don't really feel unloved or rejected.

I'm less isolated which helps me to realize how crazy and unrealistic it is to want quickies or imagine her a love machine put here purely to pleasure me.

I push her to say no, rather than ignoring her humanity and wishing she always feels like it.

Bad:
I still surf to pages online that aren't helpful, and a few times I've viewed porn

When we don't do it I still feel angry and cheated.

I still want quickies and a love machine that's here solely to pleasure me.

I still wish she's always say yes.

What else?

I find myself searching for a lie that this is all anchored to.

"Constant sex will cover that you're not loved"
"If you don't get sex you will not be okay."
"The only way to cope with not beling loved is by getting more sex"
"You deserve sex, it's your right since you've had such a shit childhood/father"

Less to get better

2010-05-06T20:55:00.001+01:00

I've been expecting and wanting and trying to get more and more sex.
Good news is that it's only from my wife, but she's got fed up. I
took the painful decision to agree some sort of regularity for us to
do it. I'd love that to be 3 times a day, in different placed, out of
the house as well,

But I knew I needed to suggest something more realistic and less
demanding of her. I said "every other day". 3 or 4 times a week.
Both when I said it & when I played it back in my head a few times
over the next few days too.

I did secretly hope she'd say, "no, I couldn't, wouldn't live without
your sex for that long!". But of course that's the lying fantasy of
porn.

She did almost initiate sex the next night, starting me out ahead of
our agreed "quota".

Now it's been two days without, I feel I should downplay it and
pretend it's no big deal. I hope we do it tonight ( as were not doing
it before bedtime ).

She wishes I didn't always choose it over sleep. I understand her
desire for me to be free, but I still wish she'd want it more.

It was truly painful

It hurts, and Making it stop isn't right

2010-05-01T09:58:00.001+01:00

Mad yesterday because I didn't get it when expected to. She didn't
promise, but I'm so inflexible.

Once I miss out on what I expect is coming my way, I get tunnel vision
& keep trying to find a way and time to not miss out. Waiting til
normal place and time seems like being cheated and as if it's owed to
me. As if I should swap what I didn't get for something else out of
the ordinary, like sex before bedtime. I'm keeping count but only of
when I don't get sex, conveniently forgetting or dismissing when I do
get it.

Demanding & not giving or free about it

God, what are you saying? I wagt to believe you're near. I want to
sort this with you and not just her, as it's more about my issues.

I see that I need to back off and not demand or push sex . But h
wanna just go away until she's ready. I don't want the rest of
mundane life without the sexual connection. I need to accept it &
engage regardless. She'd like regular life together, not just when
sex is happening.

Sighhhh

Not On-Demand

2010-03-23T09:11:00.001Z

Yesterday I watched her get out of the shower and wanter her--right then. So my mind registered the hours that passed until the kids were finally in bed. I sat in a chair reading a book as she didn't have any thoughts about sex or us together. I stewed a bit as time continued to tick away. Finally it was time for bed, according to our innanely predictable routine. Was she now too tired for sex? Had she used up all her energy on the kids, on making supper, on homework, housework and winding down afterward?

No! Although she came to bed with the same painfully inevitable step by step routine as always (missing the chance to come to bed dressed differently, missing a chance to kiss me anywhere else, missing a chance to say anything sexy before we were in the exact same position as always, looking at each other face to face as always with the same background). Instead of taking her queues that she was interested in sex and enjoying it (glass full!) I couldn't get past what else I wanted (glass not full). My mind started wandering to how our kisses are the same, our carresses haven't changed. I thought how great it'd be to be somewhere else. I wasn't fantasising about being with anyone else, but with her SOMEWHERE ELSE! I also considered how she'd not see the point. I realized making too much out of the external would only make things awkward and harder for her to get into the zone and for us to connect (which is the real source of fresh and amazing and satisfying sex!). So I knew enough to know I was wrong. I was annoyed that I'd had to wait this long and so was wanting more of something else. As if I should be able to have it jus because I thought of it. (like with porn).

I was able to remember that the way I talked about these ideas was important. Could I suggest something different without being really demanding? I tried it by suggesting that we should have a day together without the kids. I said, "What could we do that we've not done before (but of course she wasn't thinking of sex). I said I could leave it for her to think of something original, a different way we could make love, but that wouldn't work (ouch, that's not positive). She immediately picked up on this saying, "You're not complaining, though?". My next point is that I could think of something but she might not like it, so therefore we should talk about it. But she didn't want to. Probably giving off those vibes, me.

She's not there just to satisfy my every whim and fancy. She's sometimes tired, sometimes bored, sometimes interested in other things. The sexy ways that I found and flocked to over the years of porn (guestures, postures, stripteases, surprising bold initiatives) are not her.

Lots of things that would really turn me on don't turn her on. She might go along with something, if I spell it out and ask her and explain it to her. But good chance it wont work, she won't pull it off, or wont't get into it. The most important part of these fantasies and scenarios and ideas is for her TO WANT TO.

Sigh.... Based on what's happened over the last few years, I'll continue to get used to what I have and get over what I don't have. Little by little my fantasy world of unrealistic requests and enending hopes is dying a death.

Dialing down the desire

2010-01-26T08:49:00.001Z

What sucks is when I think about getting some, then I don't.

If I imagine it, then I have to wait (not easy) and I have to accept that it might not happen (grrr).

With porn it was imagine it then enjoy gettin' it.

That ticks me off.

If I can stop getting so worked up, that'll help the process of dealing with not getting any (or at least maybe not getting it).

Good, Bad

2009-09-21T07:11:00.003+01:00

So sex is about giving, not taking. I was too tired to give (especially by the time we made it to bed). So I said, "maybe we should just go to sleep. That was me being honest and letting her off the hook of making me feel good. But when she said, "ok", I was FURIOUS! I wasn't too sleepy anymore! I was livid!

So she was confused. From her perspective, I said I was too tired, then I got angry when she said, "good night".

I decided to do the selfless thing, hoping she'd do the same. When she didn't, I was livid. But I'd released her and so there was no going back. I was hoping she'd offer to make love to me, but she didn't. She just lay there, free and unhindered. I was jealous of her freedom. I had to go in another room for a while. Shitty night sleep, but at least there was some sleep.

There's no hope wishing I could have sex whenever I want it. I am left no choice but to hope for freedom to cope when I don't get it.

Man enough to be confronted?

2009-09-10T13:18:00.001+01:00

Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church preaching on Addiciton

unblemished

2009-09-07T14:43:00.002+01:00

My sex drive was created to spur and motivate me to pursue her.

Porn makes me want to do nothing, to be lazy, to expect her to pursue me.

It won't work for me to sit back and as if I'm flicking through a TV remote control, wanting connection or a satisfied wife or fulfilled sexlife!

not so good

2009-09-07T12:01:00.002+01:00

Maybe I've just come down from a natural, normal high.

But I was doing fine and everything was cool, then I thought how much we're talking about other people and mundane things and I thought, "I wish she'd spend a fraction of this much energy on pleasing me sexually". That was all it took. Spiral, big time!

I was annoyed and angry for the rest of the night. I tried talking to her about how she is what what she wants, but I really just wanted her to exist for me, specifically, sexually.

So being honest enough to admit how I was feeling brought nothing of any use.

I went to bed angry with her offering a flippant sounding hope that I feel better and that it is prbably "just my emotions".

I reeled and raged, jealous that she's so at peace and no unmoved. I didn't particuarly want sex, I would have accepted that, but I was kinda feeling bored and in a rut. I cried out inside, "Jesus" and eventually had a fitful sleep.

Woke up angry in general, angry at her and others.

How it works, not deciding from the addiction

2009-07-29T17:35:00.002+01:00

I heard that addiction was about the way relate, not about sex. I kinda knew this sounded like it made sense, but now I have an example of it.

Just now I realized I had misplaced one of my credit cards. *R$$£^%$^%$!! Anger! Frustration! thoughts like, "Stupid!" float around near my mind, although they've not really been given voice in my head this time.

I immediately think of my partner. She's gonna be angry. dissapointed. She's gonna want to figure out where it is and stop everything to track it down, call and have it canceled. I don't want the grief and I'm too tired to do all that work now. I wanna make this go away. I wanna escape. I don't wanna face it.

But, for some reason.. I did. I told her within 5 minutes of it happening. Amazingly, not really surprisingly, she was great. Not angry. She did suggest the last place I might have used it. Rang them up, and they had it! So, facing the distasteful truth proved to be fine, the best, and surprisingly advantageous! All endings wouldn't be that storybook, but it shows the decision I had to make and how it could have gone wrong so easily. This decision making process is deeply connectected to the addiction & porn.

sleepless night doesn't earn easy sex

2009-07-27T10:22:00.004+01:00

Sometimes I can't sleep at night. Sometimes it's linked to not having sex that night. Sometimes the next day I resent not having sex and feeling tired and sleepy all day. But my sleepiness does not create some kind of obligation for me to get sex. It's just another of hundreds of ways for me to want to control getting sex.

I see a girl in a skirt at a bus stop and it reminds me of a "street walker". She's a symbol of sex being on tap and something I can purchase. By making it a financial transaction, it means I'm in control.

Real satisfying sex is great, it does make me feel ten feet tall (for a little while). But my hunger for visual stimulation is a completely different thing.

Here's an excerpt from a study of what makes up "ultimate sex":

_________________________________________________________________________

Searching for Great Sex: New Study Explores Optimal Sexuality

Here are the eight components of great sex that the researchers identified after conducing semi-structured interviews with people who identified as having had great sex:

Being present, focused, and embodied.
Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch.
Deep sexual and erotic intimacy.
Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy.
Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency.
Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing.
Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun.
Vulnerability and surrender.

http://sexuality.about.com/b/2009/07/08/searching-for-great-sex-new-study-explores-optimal-sexuality.htm

Raw Honesty

2009-07-19T12:09:00.000+01:00

I don't want intimacy, not right now. I just want an orgasm. Like a candy bar or a good film, I want to enjoy a good splurge. I just wanna get inside and rub back and forth and feel that mind-blowing high of cumming!

I am tempted to judge my feelings now, reign it all in and put it in context, explain it and or reprimand myself.

But I won't. I'll just let it sit here. My want.

Do my deepest and darkest secrets make me inherently bad? Does covering up my secrets really cover up my shame? What if exposing them actually brings light which shows that I'm actually worth better?

...Mysterious Ways

2009-07-15T14:33:00.003+01:00

Noticed a spray of wee on the floor under the urinal. Is that me? I watched next time, and sure enough... It was! Doh, why am I spraying all over the floor?!! What could I be doing wrong?

After a while I noticed there was no similar puddle under the adjacent toilet, so I went to it and found I wasn't leaking there at all!

Why is this worth writing? Well, it shows how quickly I blame myself. I thought there was something wrong with me (this is true on many levels, some very deeply ingraned). It never occurred to me to look at the evidence and think the problem is with the toilet itself.

When I finally tried a different toilet and saw that I didn't spray at all, I was gobsmacked! So, this isn't my fault at all?!!

Maybe I'm not so flawed and broken underneath it all. Maybe I shouldn't blame everything that goes wrong on me so quickly and automatically.

Just might be worth reconsidering the things that God says about who He's created me to be:

"God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking

God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything
Jesus, Everything"

Putting the cart before the Horse

2009-06-28T11:48:00.002+01:00

Buying her sexy underwear, a frilly skirt or a something similar, is a great way to celebrate her femininity, but just because she wears it doesn't mean she's suddenly interested in sex with me. It's like saying that all horses are animals, but not all animals are horses. She may put on something sexy to say she's interested, but she may put on something sexy for a dozen other reasons. It's a fantasy for her to come to me with her sexy choice of clothes as a signal and message giving me the green light and assuring me that she wants me. But in reality she never knows whether she's going to want me until we've gone through that slow and unpredictable process of communicating. It's silly manipulation to think that because I've got her to put on something sexy that she'll therefore automatically want sex. When I see an image of a girl in a short skit it says to me "sex". When I catch an image out of the corner of my eye of a billboard or magazine with a girl in a frilly bra, I see it as someone who is sexually ripe. In reality there are women waiting at bus stops in skirts and nylons who are also on their period. My partner wears underwear without a thought of sex.

In my fantasy her clothes are a shiny sparkly wrapper for sex. The frills and lace say, "look at me". The way the wind catches under her skirt says, "look!" The way the material cradles and caresses her curves says, "Here I am, ready and waiting for you". But in reality her body is just part of her. Her sexuality isn't as important as the fact that she has a cold or is tired or needs some space. I just want that orgasm, but sometimes I need to do without and listen to her and carry her burden.

How many times?!!

2009-06-26T15:03:00.001+01:00

How many times will I have to say to her (to me) that I she doesn't need to give me sex?!! How many times will I have to say, "I don't need an orgasm" (when will it just be true and not need to be a statement of faith and intention and will?

I don't want our sex life to replace my addiction and never ending lust for more and more and more.

I keep saying I don't actually need it, but through gritted teeth and with much anger.

So much, so much

2009-06-19T07:55:00.001+01:00

So, sometimes the best medicine for a little depression is some serious pressure and a big challenge. I'd not realised I'd been mildly depressed, but now I can see that heavy low wave dread and occasional thought of hopelessness was just that. I've thrown myself "off the deep end" with an exciting, risky, terribly important (temporary) responsibility. It's revived and inspired me. It's sent me to God in worship (me?) and prayer. I've found myself leaning on Him and believing He's spoken to me with Bible verses. It's challenged my weaknesses and strengthened my relationship with Him.

It's put sex into perspective as well (not completely or awalys, of course). My occasional days when I've felt wronged for not getting an expected sessoin of sex hasn't been able to be my obsession. To much to do, too much to think about. Other things are more important! Hey, maybe it's okay for sex to not be the everything of everything.

Still, <confession> I did want and expect sex last night even though we were both very tired and our minds were kinda elsewhere. The free-est thing would have been to say, "We're just not there tonight are we?" But I wanted that sweet crack that is a sleep inducing and 100% relaxing and mind blowing orgasm. Oddly, there are orgasms and orgasms and this one wasn't really mind-blowing.</confession> God is good, He's still working on me. The verse that says, "He will perfect the thing concerning you" used to assure me that He'd make me perfect one day. Now I read that and see that it's reassuring me to forget about being perfect, as He'll still be working on me when Jesus comes back!

I had one of those conversations where I said to her "I don't need sex!" which really hurts to admit and say. But our sexlife seems to improve afterward rather than diminish.

Imrpovement!

2009-06-10T13:35:00.001+01:00

I blogged that it was hard to get motivated at work.

Getting better. Weird how sometimes taking on more, energizes you and gives you motivation to do more. Whereas you feel tired and do less, and feel less energy. Entropy isn't solved by rest. Energy can be found by taking on more (if it's the right things).

passionate guesture

2009-06-02T07:44:00.005+01:00

Do you ever use sex to fill your need left by M and porn? I am ashamed to admit it, but yes I do. Sometimes sex is great and it's lovemaking and it's all that it can be and should be. But other times it's my fix and it relaxes me and helps me sleep and it quietens my "demons" for a time.

Last night we were arguing and she verbalized how she feels pressured by my suggestions for entertaining friends too much, not giving her enough space. Then she said something like, "but you'll still want to make love" (as if being tired from having a houseful of people will somehow make me less interested in sex when we finally do make it to bed).

So, it didn't come out of the best place, but I said something I've thought about for a long time. It's about a short time of celibacy. Oo0h how I've stayed away from that word.

1 Cor 7 "Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer."

But my feelings are, like, "Hey, I'm white-knuckling-it here!" So we argued most of last night, not really about sex at all. She suggested the length of time I pronounced is too long. Need to take baby-steps. But that just sounded to me like she doesn't have faith and confidence in me. Pisses me off to think how easy it will be for her and how she'll breathe a sigh of relief from the hassle and pressure of my sexual advances. That brings home the problem near its' core--I want her to want me. I want to want it and need it and get it without any guilt or negative effects.

It's something I want to do for spiritual reasons, and I'll definitely be praying through this time.
Okay, I thought I missed something in my spontaneous passionate symbolic sweeping decision. It needs to be from mutual consent. Besides, I was very angry when I made the decision and need to check my motives.

A very big challenge may well be me not being distant and aloof. Every time I come home when I feel wronged and cheated of an orgasm, I find myself wanting to subtely let her know of my dissaproval by busying myself somehow. I'm too tortured or angry to just hang out and talk to her freely.

In a way I feel like I just wanna curl up somewhere & sleep (sweet escape, at least I'm not finding myself saying I just wanna masturbate).

I want to see some improvement here.

Freedom is the goal.

another layer of anger

2009-06-01T08:27:00.004+01:00

So work is something I've written about a few times before. I am finding it hard to get motivated. I feel the hopelessness and I feel left out. I have very little motivation and the smallest challenges seem too much.

But it's my bitter attitude toward others who do well that really bothers me. Is this a bitterness that's always been covered by my drug until now?

It's like going back to school and being afraid of competition, doubting myself and wanting to withdraw in the face of challenges. Strange thing is I've faced and overcome many many professional challenges while I had M$ as a crutch, so it's not like I this makes sense.

I'm not a loner with no one who cares. I don't need to be jealous of everyone who seems to be part of something. I'm part of something too. I've got a God who is loving me and helping me. I have a beautiful partner who's committed herself to me for life. I have worked and been blessed to have earned a good position of respect and expertise in my career.

anniversary

2009-05-10T12:35:00.002+01:00

ten days and counting

2009-04-30T09:35:00.003+01:00

So, 10 days til it's been a year. I can't say it's been easier for the last month. I've been tempted. I've yearned and ached. But I'm gonna make it.

The other day we were about to "do it" and I noticed myself thinking about moving us into a room where we've never done it before. I imagined doing it on a table. New, different, exciting. I know she wouldn't really be into it, but I wanted to. Why? I think the image of a couple doing it somewhere unorthodox sticks in my mind as meaning "they must have really been hot and bothered and turned on and into each other to have done it THERE!". But I can't make her more into me just by doing it somewhere weird.

Today is a "non" day. Why can't I have sex daily? Is it so much to ask? Just an orgasm or BJ?!!! Oh, why oh why!

2009-04-21T08:58:00.002+01:00

So, what to report? Well, I tried to get her to "do it" outdoors on one of those rare opportunities. She wasn't into it, and tried negotiating by offering me a BJ. I can proudly report that I turned her down because I knew she didn't really want to.

That must be a first. I must be getting healthier!

Wasn't pissed about it either.

She's be best.

19 days and it'll be a year without the little M! (fanfare!)

Horny... miffed....

2009-03-31T12:32:00.004+01:00

So, I'm okay, I'm not completely obsessed. But rather than feel thankful for the long run of every day for a while, I'm just feeling cheated that I'm not getting it every day. So short-sited. Such a bottomless pit, my lust.

Sex Addict Clean Coin?

2009-03-24T10:11:00.002Z

I can see the one year mark approaching. If I was an alcoholic I could have a few pats on the back and some people would shake my hand and say, "congrats" for being clean one year.

I know it is a little thing and that's not the reason I'm fighting this battle. Still, it'd be kinda nice.

Sex addiction still has too much shame for me to enjoy that kind of open support though.

Grrrrrr.

2009-03-08T21:01:00.001Z

Felt really angry today. Wanted a quickie at the weekend and was turned down. Nothing last night, so I decided to talk about it with her instead of stewing. I SO want to try to manipulate her and every word I say I check five times and reject 10 other words as my mind whirls by ways to say things that might help my "need".

300 days, huray.... sigh

Business Trip Temptations

2009-02-28T17:18:00.003Z

So I was away for half a week, back home now. It was easier than ever knowing I'd be sex-less for several days. I did notice the girls in the short skirts, but thankfully the TV in my hotel room was cleaner than clean.

There was a sex shop that I ducked into, but only got a mild hard-on, no huge temptation or falling down the deep deep rabbit hole of masturbation. It seems crazy that these shops are still opened when the internet is so much better.

Anyway, I celebrate my "clean" days continuing to climb!

Porn (temporarily) Makes U Dumb

2009-02-11T10:25:00.003Z

"viewing pornography can literally effect the judgement and thinking centers of the brain."

I think to myself, "I'll just look at this swimsuit model, strip-tease, or other PG rated image, and no more"

I get the buzz, but then my brain starts to power-down so I can't think to use my judgement to tell myself "stop! don't go any further!". So before long one click gets my blood pumping and I click on another link to keep it going or get higher. Where does it end? Usually with masturbation and the same old regrets.

February 11th, 2009

2009-02-11T08:49:00.004Z

So I'm in completely new territory now, uncharted waters, a future that's unknown (like in Terminator 2). In other words, I've exceeded my record of 8 months (I'm at nine months now!). I did go to a website for no reason except to be titillated yesterday. Fortunately I stopped there and didn't go any further.

No sex last night. Slept fine. yea! I'm not even obsessing about it. I'll probably forget that fact several times throughout today.

There's a self-destructiveness connected to this addictive stuff that is very slippery. It shows up in overeating, isolating myself relationally, even my work ethic and career. I know I it would help me to get on and get motivated and get stuck in, but I feel so tired and blah and annoyed and irate that I usually don't.

If I work better, I'll feel better, my relationships at work will improve (I'll feel better), my career will improve (I'll feel better) and I'll feel better! So when will I do it? God, please help lift me out of this pit. Please help me find hand-holds to climb out.

January 2009 Update

2009-01-26T09:03:00.004Z

So I'm finding it hard to get motivated at work. Is it jus Monday-ite-is? I feel like retreating and hiding and escaping away somewhere far far away from this drudgery.

Is this the kind of thing that I was retreating away from when a teenager? Was it the usual challenges of working and competing that I ran from with masturbation and porn?

Oh, by the way, speaking of orgasms... She was tired last night, but willing. I was reading that, and decided to "let her off the hook". Miraculous for me to turn down an orgasm. I've been very well looked after recently, but the fact that her period is coming any day now, means I was saying no to an orgasm while expecting a dry spell just 'round the corner as well. I don't find myself able to get as turned-on when from oral sex when she's on her period. I know all to well that she's not feeling sexual. I can't keep any fantasy going (that she's loving loving me, etc.). Major improvement that I'm only writing about this after I've written about work. Sex isn't everything, I guess. And world record count since last M!

So, let's write (talk) through some of these feelings. I'm torn by a few of somehow protect myself from being "tricked" into doing the wrong work, to much work. On the other hand, I know that my value as an employee is based on my productivity. Maybe that's what I'm doing, rebelling against just being valued for what I do, rather than who I am. Or maybe I'm reconsidering my motivations as to why I work anyway. All my life I've been one of the hardest workers, but now I see the reason has been for praise and acceptance and hopes of pats on the back to fill what has been un-fullfilled by my father.

It's another form of self-destruction (or crying out for help). I knew that porn would ultimately destroy my financially, professionally and familially. In the same way, I know I need to get my butt in grear and embrase work again!

Breakthrough

2009-01-13T08:48:00.002Z

I'm enjoying something that I think is very significant. I don't usually use this kind of jargon, but I'll just use whatever words describe it best: freedom. I'm finding my attitude towards others much less judgemental. It's much easier to live life without the weight of others imperfections pressing down on me, like an expectation that always sits on your shoulder like one of those cartoon "devils", nagging and accusing and blaming and comparing.

Yesterday I was at a funeral and this older fellow came into the ceremony wearing a track-suit! I thought, that's not right, that's not respectful. He's definitely crossed the line. But, who's he offending? The dearly deceased? No, she wouldn't mind at all. The nearest and dearest loved-ones? I doubt it really. So it's really not someone else who I'd be representing if I was offended. It'd be just plain old me. Someone who's experienced grace and acceptance and forgiveness. I'm enjoying the freedom of not being judged..... maybe that's why I'm not judging others (so much).

Record!

2009-01-13T08:47:00.001Z

previous hi score: 8 months or 247 days

248 days 9 hours since last M

This is great!

Not the Cause

2009-01-03T17:25:00.003Z

So, another thing to look forward to, if you're hanging on by your fingernails....

Twice during this holiday season I've felt a sadness and heaviness descend on me. But somehow, this time I could think clearly and I knew to not assume it's connected to my addiction. Yes, I thought of sex and how I'd like it as an escape and release. But I didn't automatically assume it was triggered by anything to do with sex (like seeing the lingerie in a store, seeing a girl in a skirt, etc.)

So, the sadness still comes, but I don't automatically attribute it to my "loss".

This is a good posting, about an improvement, even though I'm talking about feeling down.

By the way, it didn't trash my whole day, night. It didn't prevent me from enjoying intimacy or end up with me in a rubbish mood or angry.

temptation

2008-12-19T15:39:00.003Z

I'm gonna make a confession here. I'd be better to tell a Godly bloke, but I'll write about it here for now.

I love my wife, she's beautiful & alluring. I don't know anything about your partner, but mine is the best!

Still, I've been noticing a girl at work. She's got the sweetest smiile and friendliest demeanour about her. I think being honest about this is a healthier process than just ignoring it or pretending it's not true.

What is it about her that captures my imagination? There's a fantasy here that reminds me of the fantasy of eros that started when I was in puberty.

Someone who's bubbly and positive. Someone whose enthusiasm and optimism can carry and lift me! Oh, I'd like to loose myself in her.

See your true condition

2008-12-18T09:01:00.004Z

... our ability to see correctly is another key to being freed from deception. Often when we are offended we see ourselves as victims and blame those who have hurt us. We justify our bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, envy and resentment as they surface.

.."Anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see" (Rev 3:18). See what? Your true condition!

3 Reasons for Sex

2008-12-08T15:52:00.001Z

and women's comments about their husbands and sex:

My husband wants to look at my body, but what I really want him to see is me. Behind these big breasts is a heart yearning for a spiritual connection.”

“I don’t care about intercourse. I care about intimacy. If I had to choose between a roll in the sheets or a stroll in the park, I’d pick the park every time.”

“I don’t want an all-night sexual marathon, just one hour of his attention and affection.”

Burying in the Sand

2008-11-17T13:45:00.002Z

So, I'm finding a few themes appearing. I drew a connection between me being afraid of things going wrong with things under my care at work alongside how I used to panic or severely fear the pressure of performing and being unpopular if I made a mistake in sports.

Trying to help the official in my kids sports game, I screwed up and really was very uptight when another parent "had a go" at me.

I woke up this morning worrying and imagining "what if my system at work crashes and I can't rebuild it?!!!!"

I want the acolades and respect that goes with responsibility, but I'm fearful of the actual responsibility, or at least afraid of being blamed if things went wrong. This is connected to perfectionism. I need to pray & think more about this.

Anger: the other side of Love

2008-11-12T10:00:00.004Z

This book helps me to get think objectively about my anger. A bit near the beginning where you're supposed to say to yourself "I'm angry!" I'm angry at _______ because of ________. Even that first step helps me to get some perspective (and there's loads more afterward).

Con's:

The author doesn't seem to have his own experience of overcoming anger--he's a counselor/Bible teacher

A bit old-fashioned perspective, step by step seems a bit forced or too formulaic.

Pro's:

Good to be reminded about this stuff from Biblical perspective, Anger isn't wrong, perfection isn't the goal

He understands and mentions links to childhood, suppressing "squashing" anger

Hurray Obama! (and my frustrated rant)

2008-11-06T14:23:00.005Z

The Bible tells me to not hold grudges, not keep a record of wrongs. I think I'm doing worse than that, I'm keeping records of times I haven't got what I wanted! Calling myself silly or stupid doesn't help.

Last week or two seems like my old idiom, "Nobody Does It Daily" has been true for me. Would you give me any sympathy if I complainted to you that I've only had sex an average of once for every 48 hours? If you've been in a relationship for more than 3 years, probably you'd love to have these kinds of statistics! If you have children, you'd probably shoot your drink out of your nose in amazement if you were told this was even possible!

But here I am, married for many years, with young-ish children, still simmering and grumbling because she said no to sex with me again! I know none of my friends are as fortunate as me, but I'm getting less orgasms and sexy stiumulus than I did with my old life of porn and the shameful "M". So, just thinking as I type here, is it a good trade to have less shame, even with it costing me the sexual stimulation and mental and visual images?

Maybe not, but that's not the only difference. If I carried on down the path of selfishness and addiction, it would (and I'm not sensationalizing or exaggerating here) eventually cost me my job, my wife, my family). It's just inevitable.

So, the better question is... Is it better to feel you're being denied an orgasm every other day, or live with the fact that the most important things in your life are utimately going down the tubes while you feed this insatiable hunger for more, more, more?

Shame, Fear and Control strongholdSeptember

2008-11-05T20:10:00.001Z

The absoluteness and formulaic way this reads makes me uncomfortable, but there's truth here to.. Deep and strong truth. Find it for yourself:
______________________

One of the important things God is saying to His Church, His children is the message of His Father’s love for us. It is a renewed call from God to come to Him in a new personal and intimate relationship.But we have repeatedly seen that a majority of Christians have a real problem with truly accepting that they can have an intimate relationship with Him.
We do not believe we really are “worthy” of this sort of love that Jesus has for us. Our identity, who we really are, is flawed. We really do not believe – I mean believe deep within us, at our core – that God really loves us.
We might believe at some level because we know it is Bible but that belief is not really at the core of who we are.
So, in this entry we are going to deal with one of the common issues that disguises and thwarts our ability to really believe who we truly are in Jesus. We are going to deal with the Shame – Fear – Control Stronghold.
God says we are not to be ignorant of the schemes of the devil. So we are going to expose one of his most ancient and effective strategies. You will not be the same. Not because we are such great ministers or have such great ministry skills but because Jesus wants you and us to be FREE!
We have been trained in a ministry method called Restoring the Foundations which is an integrated method of providing inner healing and deliverance. We will be using the four main ministry issues to deal with this S-F-C Stronghold.
Shame Fear Control..Comes out of the second commandment;
Exo 20:4-6 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Definition of a curse:A Biblical curse is a penalty assigned by God for violating His commandments, statues, etc. A Curse is being “empowered to fail”, a Blessings is being “empowered to succeed.” (Ken Copeland)Curses are words spoken, with some form of spiritual authority (either good or evil), that set in motion something that will go on generation after generation. Behind the words is a spiritual power (God or satan). (Derek Prince)Where do curses come from? – God, Others and Self
GodDeut. 11:26-28 “See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse: the blessing, if you obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you today, and the curse, if you do not obey the commandments of the LORD your God, but turn aside from the way that I am commanding you today, to go after other gods that you have not known.
OthersMatt. 27:25And all the people answered, “His blood be on us and on our children!”
SelfExample: “I cannot start the day without my first cup of coffee.”Phil. 4:13; Paul believes in “self-blessing,” not in “self-cursing.” “I can do all things…”
Good NewsGod has provided the way of freedom from all the effects of SOFC’s and our own sin. It is appropriated by faith. We break generational sins by faith that God’s promises are true, that Jesus has canceled our debt.
God’s SolutionLev. 26:40 God requires that we confess (acknowledge) our sin and the sins of our fathers, humble ourselves, and receive His remedy, i.e., His sacrifice.1 Jn. 1:9 If we confess our sins and turn from it (repent) and God will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.Gal. 3:13 Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law by becoming a curse for us.
Ungodly BeliefsBeliefs, decisions, attitudes, agreements, judgments, expectations, vows, and oaths that do not agree with God’s Word, His nature or His Character.Lies that have been formed in us since childhood about ourselves, others and God.Beliefs formed from hurts, traumas, negative experiences, and words people say to us.Beliefs formed from the facts (pain) or our experiences that are real.
Rom. 12:1-2I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.Facts vs. Truth
Soul Spirit HurtsDefinition• Hurts of the soul and / or spirit of man that are carried and experienced within a person.• SSH are invisible wounds.• They simmer, stifle, and sometimes shut a person down completely – unless dealt with.• They have a similar action in our soul / and or spirit as disease has to our body.
Some Facts• Begin in the family• Affect the entire person• Cause restricted emotional growth• Cause ongoing vulnerability• Cause anger/resentment toward God• Affect the entire family• Distort identity and purpose• Cause Shame• Cause hurts in other people
Biblical ReferencesLk. 4:18 Jesus: “…He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed,”Ps. 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Information• They enter through “open doors.” I.e., they have legal ground (Eph. 4:27; and give no opportunity to the devil.”)• They come down family lines.• They are invisible spiritual entities with minds, emotions and wills of their own, in league with, and under the control of satan. They are out to do his bidding and to torment the people of God (Derek Prince)• Their purpose is to prevent or hinder salvation for the unsaved, and maturity for the Christian.• They interject their thoughts into our thought stream, so that we will accept them as our own.• The lie to us and help us lie to ourselves and to others.• They do not play fair, they have no mercy.• They manifest by causing our behavior to be what their function is, i.e., anger, bitterness, etc.
Biblical ReferenceEx. 23:29-31; “But I will not drive them out in a single year, …little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land. (God’s strategy for deliverance)1 Jn. 3:8; The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil.Mk. 16:17; And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; …
This ministry is a first step toward a life-long process of becoming like Jesus.
Shame – Fear – Control
What are we talking about here? In the introduction I said that it is an ancient strategy of the enemy. Adam and Eve. Remember that after the snake got them to partake of the forbidden fruit God came into the garden for His evening walk with them.
Adams response to God’s inquiry as to why he was hiding. “I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” (Gen. 3:10). Earlier in Gen. 2 it said of Adam and Eve that they were naked but not ashamed. So here we see they are naked but now have shame and that led to fear and the fear led to a controlling action, “I hid myself”. I do not want to allow my flaw (the sin nature) to be exposed. We see in this very early encounter, Shame – Fear – Control working to separate man from God.
This is a grouping of several demonic strongholds that operate in a large percentage of believers that we and those who have taught us the RTF process have seen.
What is Shame? It is the awful sense of “being uniquely and hopelessly flawed.” It leaves a person feeling different and less valuable than other human beings.
Shame is self-oriented. It says, “there is something wrong with me.”
Definition: Webster 1828 Ed.
SHAME, n.
1. A painful sensation excited by a consciousness of guilt, or of having done something which injures reputation; or by of that which nature or modesty prompts us to conceal. Shame is particularly excited by the disclosure of actions which, in the view of men, are mean and degrading. Hence it is often or always manifested by a downcast look or by blushes, called confusion of face.
2. The cause or reason of shame; that which brings reproach, and degrades a person in the estimation of others. Thus an idol is called a shame.
3. Reproach; ignominy; derision; contempt.
Ye have born the shame of the heathen. Ezek 36.
4. The parts which modesty requires to be covered.
5. Dishonor; disgrace.
It is not guilt. Guilt is knowing we have done something wrong. It tells us we have made a mistake.
Guilt is action-oriented. It says, “I did something.”
Shame is a common problem for many of us, and I include myself, where we have accepted the lie that “this is who I am.” It strikes at our core identity. It is the worst kind of False Identity.
Why is it so bad? It is because we have entered into an agreement with the enemy as to who we are – we have agreed with the lie. Why is this bad? Matthew 18:19
AgreementMat 18:19 Again I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father who is in heaven.
God has created us as independent willed beings. He so much honors our will - our decisions – our agreements that He will honor them – even when they are with the enemy!
Is that scriptural? I can say with out a doubt – yes.
Joshua 9 gives us a story about the Gibeonites. The Gibeonites were part of the Ammorite peoples – one of the Cannanite tribes that God said to utterly destroy.You probably know the story. The Gibeonites were crafty and posed as coming from a great distance. The Israelites checked them out in a natural way. Looked at their worn cloths and stale bread but they did not inquire of the Lord.
Then when the lie was exposed and many wanted to kill them they could not do it because of their oath toward the Gibeonite people. Even though they were the “enemy” they were allowed to live.
What was the result? 2 Sam. 21: About 400 years later. David inquires of the Lord as to why there is a famine in the land. God answers that it is because Saul had killed the Gibeonites in his zeal to cleanse Israel. Saul violated the covenant with the Gibeonites and Israel paid the price after Saul was dead and gone! God takes agreements seriously.
And through the cross, by the shed blood of Jesus, we can break our covenants with the enemy.
So, every UGB we have is a covenant with the enemy but God had provided a way to break these unrighteous, lie-sourced covenants.
Shame is a deeper level lie. The lie “I am a shameful person” has strength to it. This sort of thing can resist the prayer of others – especially if that prayer is not focused to the identity issue.
This progression of interlocking oppression forms a stronghold.
Stonghold
A fortified place dominated by a particular group – fortress is a center for military might.
Pro 21:22 A wise man scales the city of the mighty and brings down the stronghold in which they trust.
For our purposes a stronghold is an intertwining of demonic forces, self-sins, UGB’s, and SSH’s that work toward keeping a person separated from God and from their God-given purpose.
A three fold cord is not easily broken.This stronghold wraps itself around our true identity often in such a way as we really do not know our true selves. And it is common to see a reaction to the exposure of these things to have a real fear. “I do not know who I am without this.”
But the real you has always been there and will emerge and grow as it is given room to do so.
As we deal with this in our lives the masking shrinks and our true identity emerges.
Roots of Shame
Some experiences that cause shame:
• Ongoing Rejection – especially from early life• Scape-Goat – Example M & GM always blaming them• Physical Abuse – especially• Neglect• Violence• Shame by association• Sexual Abuse• Failed dreams and vision• Physical deformity
Four lifestyle behaviors that are coping mechanisms
1) Angry (Argumentative)2) Condemnation & depression – cycle through low grade depression3) Apologetic4) Passivity
Characteristics
Striving and Driving (Perfectionism)
Religiosity – trying to convince the world you are Ok
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “why am I doing this?”
A Shamed person tries to keep the truth from themselves
Shame based – you feel bad and that you are beyond God’s help.
Attitude – I am not going protect my shame & to be defensive – do not worry about itWe all have some Shame based behaviors. Ask the Lord to show you.• Then ask God to help with what is identified• God gives the power to break these things off your life• Get rid of the demons – then recognize the lies as they come

Infedility and Porn

2008-10-29T07:43:00.001Z

In younger couples, the increasing availability of pornography on the Internet, which has been shown to affect sexual attitudes and perceptions of "normal" behavior, may be playing a role in rising infidelity.

Down today

2008-10-16T10:23:00.003+01:00

So today I'm very down. It might have nothing to do with not "getting any" last night (I slept okay, [sarcasm] hurray!!! [/sarcasm] )

How does Lenny Kravits sing it, "I want to get away, I WANT TO GET AWAYYYY!!!"

I just want to escape, I want to climb into the fetal position and disappear. I know an O won't make my problems or feelings go away. I know there's nowhere to actually run or hide. I feel so drained and lethargic. Why? What is going through my head? I don't fit in. I'm not able to be me and enjoy my job anymore. That's not really completely true, but it seems like that's the way it is going. I just want to give up do something completely different for a job. At least I don't buy lottery tickets and so I don't have that stupid fantasy.

October Update

2008-10-15T21:28:00.004+01:00

Feeling low tonight. Last night she wanted me and initiated it. But that was yesterday.

Today I had a meeting with my boss & came out feeling unappreciated. I don't feel he believes in me. It's just the way he is, he wants to debate when I want to contribute.

I feel like however much I do, it's not enough. I feel like he's keeping his cards close to his chest and so must I. I feel like I don't really want to work there.

Worst of all is that I feel that I have no future there as I have to choose between doing the work I like, or working there. The changes they made are fair enough, nothing personal, but I've been angry and resentful. I have found a way to fit in and contribute, but I don't think it will last).

parallels with my childhood:

lost a father figure

feeling rejected

feeling not wanted

feeling not appreciated

feeling life isn't fair

feeling angry and resentful that things haven't stayed the same.

not enjoying the person who has power over me not being an encouraging person.

I don't like the competition. I don't want to risk failing. I want to get away. I want to escape and build my shed instead of going to work.

Haven't really wanted to M, but I did get very close to eating some sugary junk-food tonight. Then I thought that 5 minutes later I'd regret it and the pleasure would be very short-lived, so I was strong and resisted. Well done, Self! and thanx G.

Self Parenting blog excerpt from “The Art of Changing” by Susan Peabody

2008-10-15T20:47:00.001+01:00

When I was ready to change the first action I took was to select one single thing from the list of things that I want to change about myself. Then I made a commitment to overcome this problem. What I choose to change was to overcome my bad temper. I began breaking down this huge problem into manageable pieces. I chose one manifestation of my temper and decided to work on that first. What I chose was my habit of yelling at my son, I chose this because at a therapy session with my son, the therapist said to him, “If you could change one thing about your mother, what would it be?” My son replied, “I’d like her to stop yelling at me when she gets upset.” To begin trying to change this bad habit, I spent the next few weeks thinking a lot about yelling. I asked myself why I yelled. The answer was that I was frustrated when my son didn’t do what I asked him to do, and this was the only way I could get his attention. Then I asked myself what other choices I had. I came up with a plan that I called “calm persistence.” The day after committing to this plan, I screamed at my son. Afterward, I was overwhelmed with a sense of how easy it was to do something that I had told myself I wouldn’t do. However I didn’t give up. I keep trying, and after each failure I spent some time thinking about how the incident had gotten started and how it had escalated. A few weeks of great adventure of trying to change, I asked my son to do the dishes when he came home from school. I got home from work expecting a clean kitchen. When I saw the dirty dishes piled up everywhere, I turned red with anger. I was ready to pounce on my son. Fortunately he wasn’t home so I had some time to think about the commitment I had made to calm persistence. When my son came home, I began talking to him calmly. When he started getting defensive, and making excuses. I suddenly found myself yelling at him again. However, this time, instead of feeling as if I was in some kind of trance with no control over the situation, I found myself observing myself as I was yelling. I also felt, for the first time, that I had a choice. I knew I could stop if I wanted to. I used this new sense control to change my behaviour, I stopped yelling at my son in midscream and walked out of the room. Later, despite my small victory, I still felt as if I had failed to reach my goal and I started crying about it. The sobs continued for a while and afterward I felt as if a big weight has been lifted of my shoulders. Then I recognized that at least I was thinking about yelling at my son and during the act – not just afterward. I was making progress. The next time my son forgot to do the dishes, I talked calmly to him about it and insisted he do them before going out on turning on the television. He resisted and I persisted – but I did not yell. Afterward, I felt so good about myself for not yelling. This victory lifted my self-esteem and later become a motivation to continue fighting my urge to yell. From this point on, despite periodic relapses, I continued to have a sense of choice about my yelling rather than feeling powerless about it. After a year passed, the urge to yell at my son disappeared, and it seemed normal to handle things without loosing control. I still got angry, but I had gotten control over my behaviour and I felt better about myself. Most of all, in changing my behaviour I had improved my relationship with my son. We were close and he respected me more. Because he respected me more, he was more cooperative. Over the years, I have continued to change many things about myself – from hurtful behaviours to small vices. I give myself all the time I need to change, and I never give up. I do something even if it’s just thinking about the problem and keeping the goal of change firmly entrenched in my mind.

Healing the wounds of the past begins with changing how we look at it. – Identify the things that happened to you – Talk about them – Write about them – Feel your feelings fully – no matter what the are and how they are or how afraid of them you are – Accept what has happened to you – Accept what you did in reaction to what happened to you. – Forgive those who hurt you – Forgive yourself if you passed your anger on to others – Try to find something good that came out of the chaos – Move on. Live in the moment. – Once I broke through my denial and identified what had happened to me and what I had done to myself and others, I began talking about it. At some point, I also began writing about what had happened. However, I was still unable to feel very much at this point, so my writing was very analytical. This was my way of recognizing my pain but not feeling it. After some time, the dam burst and all my painful feelings would come and go, but every time I discovered something new, or I realized how much I have been wounded in the past. I faced my feelings and had a good cry. I cried a lot. Eventually, I moved on from my feelings and addressed the issue of acceptance. Acceptance was very important part of the healing process for me.

touchy-sensitive but better Autumn 2008 update

2008-10-06T11:18:00.003+01:00

Things are good, things are better, but they're still the same in some ways.

I said goodnight and rolled over and went to sleep last night, was a little frustrated and tossed for 5 or 10 minutes or so, but slept fine and was almost "myself" when I woke up in the morning.

I had an idea for a guideline of hoping/trying to not expect/want/initiate lovemaking EVERY OTHER NIGHT ("no one does it daily", as the tagline goes).

Good news is I've not wanted to "M" much at all, regardless of the circumstances. I can see by my buisiness trips away that it's not that big a deal to go without for a few days.

I also see I've been kinda ANGRY about all sorts of silly little annoying things in life. I only recognize it now because I'm usulally not so angry now anymore.

A recurring thought I keep having is, "Why Can't I Have ______ ". Even if it's just an idea for the way I want to organize something in the home, I feel really hurt and appauled that I can't "HAVE MY OWN WAY". Logically, I can see that there's a more sensible or practical way. I can see that it's more work and doesn't make sense. But I feel wronged and like I should be able to have this one little thing. Selfish, childish (self-parenting, again). Maybe as I reel against the injustice of not being able to control the whens and how-manys of my orgasms, I am particularly touchy and sensitive about other things that I want.

Exposing the Fantasy of Prostutution

2008-09-13T09:52:00.002+01:00

it's not sexy, really

another sex addiction website

2008-07-14T23:33:00.001+01:00

Pornography used in conjunction with addictive masturbation gives the sexually addicted person the illusion that fantasy can be more satisfying than a real relationship. In the most extreme cases, the sexually addicted person prefers sex through pornography addiction instead of loving sex with a real person. Even in these situations, the addiction can be overcome and the relationship can be saved, if the addiction is approached correctly.

Affairs

2008-07-02T14:03:00.004+01:00

"Pursuit of ‘‘ultra-happiness’

Ed Diener, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois-Urbana-Champaign, says people today pursue what he calls ’’ultra-happiness,‘‘ so they expect love to always be romantic and full of thrills.

Mira Kirshenbaum of Boston, author of a new book called ’’When Good People Have Affairs,‘‘ says perceived boredom in a marriage may well result in a spouse who strays.

’’They think their marriage is OK because they don’t fight a lot, but they are distant and bored,‘‘ she says. ’’Sex is routine. Conversation about meaningful things is like pulling teeth.‘‘

The space between

But Douglas Snyder, a psychologist at Texas A&M University-College Station, isn’t convinced that boredom is to blame. He says it’s a lack of closeness and passion. ’’People can become distant in their marriage and interpret that as boredom, but I think it’s a misnomer,‘‘ he says.

’What’s striking for men is that a lot of them were saying they weren’t having marital problems‘‘ before an affair, Allen says.

Though the experts say it’s natural to sometimes be physically attracted to someone else besides your spouse, they say the danger comes with acting on those feelings.
’’Partners have to work hard at protecting their marriage from boredom by being vigilant and attending to the marriage on a daily basis,‘‘ says Snyder, who celebrated his 34th wedding anniversary last month.

As if I Was Her

2008-06-12T09:35:00.002+01:00

So, let's write a verison of recent happenings from what I think her perspective might be:

"Yesterday was a good day, and I got a chance to relax a bit after a particularly busy few days. I got lots of things done, satisfying doing this and that and this and that. He'd been wanting sex a lot in the last few weeks, and I've gone along with it. Sometimes it's been really nice, but I've enjoyed working in the garden, cycling to school, etc.

So last night, I was pretty tired by the time we got in bed. I'd put the kids to bed myself and I'd been out too many evenings in a row. He agreed to go straight to sleep, but then I knew he was cross. I really do care about him, but that doesn't mean I always want sex.

I could have given him an O, but that wouldn't have been the right thing to do, and it would have meant we'd be in this cycle of needing that even more the next time he couldn't sleep. I don't want our lovemaking to be a drug. I want him to be free. I'm praying that for him.

So I noticed he suggested we not have sex the next day either, I just hope it isn't too hard for him and that he's not got a grumpy attitude as a result. "

Cold Turkey

2008-06-12T08:58:00.004+01:00

So two nights ago I slept shitty. She was too tired to do it, and I had a pretty good attitude at the time. But then I couldn't sleep (still didn't get mad at HER) but the next day I was resenting her. So that night I was appauled and incredulous that again she preferred to go to sleep.

All day I'd been thinking about how the truth is coming out. If she denies me (sex, sex at a different time, dressing sexy, anything) I am seeing the truth that these things don't satisfy and don't solve my problems. I naturally am drawn to these things, but I'm not satisfied by them. If, by chance, she goes along with some of my requests and wears a skirt or something, I am seeing that I'm still not satisfied, besides I can see that she doesn't really want to.

So, last night when I got irate that she didn't want to TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW!, she said, "it seems we're doing it all the time". Shit, for me it seems like we're always missing out on opportunities for sex, but to her is seems like the opposite. Damn! So, just like when she said she'd like to go to sleep, I said, "okay, that's what we'll do" (but i was livid). When she said it seems like all we do is make love, I said, "okay, then we won't do it tomorrow".

It's helped that I've been sent on some business trips in the last few years, 'cause that forces me to see the truth that "I DON'T NEED IT DAILY". I forget that so quickly and easily. So, no sex last night, none the night before, and now none tonight either. This is no different than the last time I went on business trip, and other times before.

So last night I tried to "tense" every muscle in my body, 'causing me to shake and vibrate weirdly. Then after almost a minute of that I relaxed. I think doing that over and over is a good technique for wearing myself out and/or tensing to get relaxed when I can't sleep (especially handy when I've not had sex but need to fall asleep).

Lemme write an entry here from the persepctive of HER to force myself to get out of my selfish view.

Source?

2008-06-11T08:53:00.003+01:00

She'll give me what I want sometimes, but she's only doing it because I ask. The fantasy bubble is popped. So I'm sad when I can't have what I want, and I'm sad when she gives it to me and I realize that she's not enjoying it.

So, I gotta let go and look somewhere else for what ever it is that I really need. What's gonna make me feel special and loved, 'cause porn doesn't, and neither does trying to copy some of the excitement and variety.

Unrealistic Expectations

2008-05-22T16:00:00.002+01:00

Am I suffering more than usual because I've slipped and M'ed last week?

Am I having a hard time seeing that my wants are extreme, harder than usual because I've digressed?

I did entertain the idea that I'd not expect anything last night as she "serviced me" kindly the night before, but when it came down to it I was offended when I had to turn over and try to sleep unsatisfied. Mark up another shitty night sleepwise. I've been obsessed with trying to get her to do sexual stuff with me outside of the normal comfortable and predictable pattern.

So tomorrow I've got a day off work, we'll see how that goes. I'd like two orgasms. She'd rather keep her clothes on. Blah blah blah, the same old shit. She wants this, I want that.

Monday 19th May

2008-05-19T12:13:00.004+01:00

So last night I tried to get her to help me let go of some of the bits that I'm struggling with, but she was unusually firm. She wouldn't get rid of any of her clothes as part of a symbolic act where I'd give up and let go of my obsession with wanting her to wear sexy clothes. She said I needed to do the work and she didn't want to get rid of any of her clothes!

Was I being manipulative? Was I trying to say, "wear these sexy clothes for ME, or just get rid of them!"

I am grateful that we have such open communication, but I can't communicate about my wants and needs because the anger that surrounds them all are drowning out everthing else.

Even as I think about writing this entry, my mind wanders toward the images of skirts I could include in this post, but that's not helpful for my purposes.

I woke up this morning dissapointed and unsatisfied for the disconnected orgasm I'd had before falling asleep. I thought the best thing I could do with this day would be to go to sleep early (she's got one of her social nights out tonight).

But I got a call from a friend who's struggling, so hel'll be coming over. Praying together has got to help.

Sunday, 18th May 08

2008-05-18T14:37:00.002+01:00

I am feeling pissed off that so many things that I want are asking too much, or just not her.

Wearing a skirt is something I can remind her about, try to not be angry when I make a suggestion.... But I think it's just not her. Clothes that say sexiness in bed is worse yet. How many times have I watched her getting ready for bed, it seems so obvious that I'd really like her to slightly change her routine. But 19 times out of 20 she goes through the same motions. I want her to wear something slightly attractive to bed, but I don't want her to do it out of some forced awkward duty.
That's usually the best I get though.

So, as I've written here so many times... I need to just let it go and forget all about it. Give it to God, as they say. Yield. Sounds so simple but it's not.

Sometimes I see her doing all her chores and I feel two opposing things simlutaneously. On one hand I'd like her to sexually gratify me in place of this chore she's making time and expending energy for. I feel low on her list of priorities. She's make time and carve out whatever it takes to get a load of washing done. But she won't do anything about my load of semen! (Ha!). On the other hand I don't want our sexlife to be just another chore and I know it should be raised above the mundane jobs and tasks. I don't want her to "just" go through the motions, but on the other hand I DO want her to do exactly that. Disconnected sex so many thousand times has made me crave disconnected sex. But it doesn't satisfy and it doesn't make one feel valued--which is wha t I really need.

science of the orgasm

2008-05-16T12:28:00.004+01:00

Principles of Pleasure

Sexual desire and orgasm are subject to various influences on the brain and nervous system, which controls the sex glands and genitals.
The ingredients of desire may differ for men and women, but researchers have revealed some surprising similarities. For example, visual stimuli spur sexual stirrings in women, as they do in men.

Achieving orgasm, brain imaging studies show, involves more than heightened arousal. It requires a release of inhibitions engineered by shutdown of the brain’s center of vigilance in both sexes and a widespread neural power failure in females.

She did not often have such strong emotions. But she suddenly felt powerless against her passion and the desire to throw herself into the arms of the cousin whom she saw at a family funeral. “It can only be because of that patch,” said Marianne, a participant in a multinational trial of a testosterone patch designed to treat hypoactive sexual desire disorder, in which a woman is devoid of libido. Testosterone, a hormone ordinarily produced by the ovaries, is linked to female sexual function, and the women in this 2005 study had undergone operations to remove their ovaries.

After 12 weeks of the trial, Marianne had felt her sexual desire return. Touching herself unleashed erotic sensations and vivid sexual fantasies. Eventually she could make love to her husband again and experienced an orgasm for the first time in almost three years. But that improvement was not because of testosterone, it turned out. Marianne was among the half of the women who had received a placebo patch—with no testosterone in it at all.
Marianne’s experience underlines the complexity of sexual arousal. Far from being a simple issue of hormones, sexual desire and orgasm are subject to various influences on the brain and nervous system, which controls the sex glands and genitals. And many of those influences are environmental. Recent research, for example, shows that visual stimuli spur sexual stirrings in women, as they do in men. Marianne’s desire may have been invigorated by conversations or thoughts about sex she had as a result of taking part in the trial. Such stimuli may help relieve inhibitions or simply whet a person’s appetite for sex.

Achieving orgasm, brain-imaging studies show, involves more than heightened arousal. It requires a release of inhibitions and control in which the brain’s center of vigilance shuts down in males; in females, various areas of the brain involved in controlling thoughts and emotions become silent. The brain’s pleasure centers tend to light up brightly in the brain scans of both sexes, especially in those of males. The reward system creates an incentive to seek more sexual encounters, with clear benefits for the survival of the species. When the drive for sex dissipates, as it did with Marianne, people can reignite the spark with tactics that target the mind.

Sex in Circles

Biologists identified sex hormones such as estrogen and testosterone in the 1920s and 1930s, and the first studies of human sexuality appeared in the 1940s. In 1948 biologist Alfred Kinsey of Indiana University introduced his first report on human sexual practices, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, which was followed, in 1953, by Sexual Behavior in the Human Female. These highly controversial books opened up a new dialogue about human sexuality. They not only broached topics—such as masturbation, homosexuality and orgasm—that many people considered taboo but also revealed the surprising frequency with which people were coupling and engaging in sexual relations of countless varieties.

Kinsey thus debuted sex as a science, paving the way for others to dig below statistics into the realm of biology. In 1966 gynecologist William Masters and psychologist Virginia Johnson—who originally hailed from Washington University before founding their own research institute in St. Louis—described for the first time the sexual response cycle (how the body responds to sexual stimulation), based on observations of 382 women and 312 men undergoing some 10,000 such cycles. The cycle begins with excitation, as blood rushes to the penis in men, and as the clitoris, vulva and vagina enlarge and grow moist in women. Gradually, people reach a plateau, in which they are fully aroused but not yet at orgasm. After reaching orgasm, they enter the resolution phase, in which the tissues return to the preexcitation stage.

continued here

Russell Brand's Orgy Experience

2008-05-08T10:53:00.003+01:00

Being all holed up in the aptly named KeyStone clinic (while the facility did not have its own uniformed police force, the suggestion of bungling silent film cops is appropriate) was an all too familiar drag. Not that I'd ever been incarcerated in sex chokey before, Lord no, but it was the umpteenth time that I'd been confronted with the galling reality that there are things over which I have no control and people who can force their will upon you. Teachers, sex police, actual police, drug counsellors: people who can make you sit in a drugless, sexless cell either real or metaphorical and ponder the actuality of life's solitary essence. In the end it's just you. Alone.

The necessity for harsh self-assessment wasn't the only thing I hated about that KeyStone place. No, that vied for supremacy with multitudinous bastard truths. I hated my bed: the mattress was sponge, and you had to stretch your own sheet over this miserable little single divan in the corner of the room. And I hated the room itself where the strangled urges of onanism clung to the walls like mildew. I particularly hated the American grey squirrels that were running around outside - just free, like idiots, giggling and touching each other in the early spring sunshine. The triumph of these little divs over our noble red British squirrel had become a searing metaphor for my own subjugation at the hands of the anti-fuck Yanks. To make my surrender to conformity more official, I had been obliged to sign a contract promising that I would refrain from masturbation, porn, "seductive behaviour" and "sexual contact with another person". I should have been photographed signing it, like when a footballer joins a new team.

Sex is recreational for me, as well as a way of accruing status and validation (even before I attained the unique accolade of "Shagger of the Year" from the Sun. We all need something to help us unwind at the end of the day. You might have a glass of wine, or a joint, or a big delicious blob of heroin to silence your silly brainbox of its witterings, but there has to be some form of punctuation, or life just seems utterly relentless.
And this is what sex provides for me - a breathing space, when you're outside of yourself and your own head. Especially in the actual moment of climax, where you literally go, "Ah, there's that, then. I've unwound. I've let go." Not without good reason do the French describe an orgasm as a "little death". That's exactly what it is for me (in a good way, obviously) - a little moment away, a holiday from my head.

So why would a fella who plainly enjoys how's yer father as much as I do go to a so-called "sex camp"? Many people are sceptical about the idea of what I like to call "sexy addiction", thinking it a spurious notion, invented primarily to help Hollywood film stars evade responsibility for their priapic excesses. But I reckon there is such a thing. Addiction, by definition, is a compulsive behaviour that you cannot control or relinquish, in spite of its destructive consequences. And if my life proves nothing else, it demonstrates that this formula can be applied to sex just as easily as it can be to drugs or alcohol, both of which I know more than a bit about.

At one point, about five years ago, I had a harem of about 10 women, whom I would rotate in addition to one-night stands and random casual encounters. But shagging - incessant as it was - no longer seemed to have the required calming effect. I was on the brink of becoming sufficiently well known for my carnal overindulgences - with lapdancers and prostitutes, to say nothing of all the women who didn't sell sex for a living - to cause me professional difficulties. There's nothing especially peculiar or odd about my erotic predilections. It's the scale of my sexual endeavours that causes the problems, not the nature of them. I just like girls, all different ones, in an unsophisticated, unevolved way, like a Sun reader or a yobbo at a bus stop in Basildon, perhaps because, at my core, that's what I am. I'm a bloke from Grays with a good job and a terrific haircut who's been given a Wonka ticket to a lovely sex factory 'cos of the ol' fame, and while Augustus Gloop drowns and Veruca Salt goes blue, I'm cleaning up, I'm rinsin' it baby!

I haven't always treated women well - more than one relationship has collapsed because of my infidelity - but to this day I feel a fierce warmth for women who have the same disregard for the social conventions of sexual protocol as I do. I love it when I meet a woman and her sexuality is dancing across her face, so it's apparent that all we need to do is nod and find a cupboard.
My manager, John Noel - think of a big, kind, lovely, vicious bastard, like a Darth Vader from Manchester running a school for disadvantaged children - who had previously successfully forced me into drug rehabilitation, thought a little stretch in winky-nick would do me the power of good, and used threats, bullying, love and blackmail to make me go. I eventually agreed for the same reason that I had given up drink and drugs - because my ambition is the most powerful force within me.

While some celebrities have "yes men" surrounding them, I have "fuck-off" men. And so John spitefully decided not to send me to some sort of celebrity treatment centre, like the world-renowned Meadows Clinic in Arizona, but a facility where not all the places were private, where a certain proportion of people were there on judicial programmes - "jail-swerves", they call them, when you're a drug addict and you're offered a choice of prison or rehab. The same option exists for the terminally saucy - get treatment or go to prison; in prison there'll be much more sex but it could err on the side of coercive.

I had no idea of what to expect when I arrived at KeyStone, although I'd spoken to one of the counsellors several times on the phone - the reassuringly named Travis Flowers. I told Travis about the lack of control I was exercising over who I was having sex with. I was pursuing hanky-panky like it was a job, like there was a league table that I had to be at the summit of. And as I explained how I toiled each day with the diligence of Bobby Moore and the grit of Julian Dicks, humming slave songs to keep my spirits up, Travis reassured me that I was just the sort of person who needed KeyStone's help.

The clinic was in the middle of this square in some quiet Philadelphia suburb. The house looked like a normal American family home does - you know, where they've got the sloping roof to the porch bit and gardens around it, a bit like where the Waltons lived, all pastoral and sweet, but with John-Boy chained up in the mop cupboard scrabbling around trying to fiddle with his goolies through a mask of tears. Over the road there was a church: a modern grey building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.

I was greeted on the steps of the clinic by one of the counsellors. I can't remember her name, but she was wearing a T-shirt with frogs on. It turned out she was obsessed with 'em, and when I asked her why she said, "When I was a kid, there was a pond near my house which all the frogs would try to get back to, and they'd get killed crossing over the road, so I used to try and help them across."
"Fucking hell," I thought. "D'ya wanna have a clearer analogy etched on your T-shirt? How troublingly apposite that your mission in life should now be to save people from destruction as they pursue their natural instinct to spawn."
At this point, the frog-lady introduced me to a subdued and pinch-faced individual. "Arthur will show you around," she said cheerfully. "He's gonna be your roommate." (In the film, Arthur would be played by Rick Moranis or William H Macy.) Arthur showed me round the kitchen with its horrible meaty American meals. Meals which I, as a vegetarian, couldn't eat, so I would have to live on fruit for the month, like a little ape.
One by one, I began to meet more of my fellow clients, or patients, or inmates, or perverts - whatever you want to call them, including an intimidating Puerto Rican cove who looked like a hybrid of Colin Farrell's "Bullseye" character from the film Daredevil and Bill Sykes's dog in Oliver Twist (whose name was also Bullseye, strangely enough), who kept calling me "London" - "Hey, London!" I resented being called "London". There are eight million people living in London, and my identity, I hope, is quite specific. He addressed me the same way he would've Ken Livingstone or Danny Baker - God knows what they'd be doing there. I'm not even from London; I'm from Essex. (Though I suppose "Essex" would have been even less appropriate - it has, after all, got the three letters "s-e-x" in it and that's what caused all this bother.)

This demeaning and geographically inaccurate mode of address was just one aspect of what soon began to seem like a concerted campaign to dismantle every element of my persona. It was not just my copy of the Guardian that had been confiscated on my arrival, but also my Richard Pryor CDs and my William Burroughs novel. And I'd not been at KeyStone long before my attire began to attract complaints. Apparently, the way my excess belt hung in front of my crotch was confusing and enticing to the pervert fraternity as it suggested a phallus. So they censored me. I was like Elvis "the Pelvis" Presley on Ed Sullivan, I tells ya, punished for the crime of being sexy.
As the days went on, I started to learn why other people were in there. I found out that Arthur was a paedophile who had eloped with his 13-year-old foster daughter. If he went back to Arizona to face the charges, he'd be in line for either lifetime imprisonment or execution. Peter, a well groomed, silver-bearded Christopher Lee figure, had had sex with his wife's sister when she was 12. These revelations came as a bit of a blow and made me question the rationale of the whole dashed trip. "OK," I thought, "I've a bit of an eye for the ladies, now as a kind of punishment I'm rooming with a paedophile. Is that gonna be helpful?" Like them lads that get sent down for nicking a car radio and end up sharing a cell with a diligent bank robber mentor who schools them in criminality. I went down to the office and started making frantic phone-calls home, saying, "Get me out of this place." If I'd been less terrified I might've paused to dream up a new reality show format, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of This Demented Sex Centre", where minor faces off the box are forced to doss down with, say, Peter Sutcliffe for the amusement of an apathetic nation.

John was on holiday, and no one I spoke to was prepared to sanction my departure so, out of fear, desperation and a kind of morbid curiosity, I decided to stay.
It's extraordinary how quickly you get institutionalised in that kind of environment. You start wearing, not pyjamas exactly, as you do get dressed, but certainly indoorsy sorts of clothes. They have meetings every morning and afternoon. The rituals are astonishing. You have to go round the room introducing yourself - "Hello, I'm Russell" - and then admitting to your recent transgressions. These aren't really wrongdoings as we would normally understand them, more everyday actions that have developed a sexual component: "I had an erotic thought"; "I experienced eroticised rage"; or "I did some eroticised humour". Then you'd round the whole thing off by saying, "My goal for today is to get through the KeyStone experience and just live it as best I can."

People began to customise this closing declaration, I suppose as a way of emphasising their own particular characters. But far from lessening the institutional feel of the whole proceedings, it kind of exacerbated it. Soon enough, each person seemed to have their own slogan: "Hello, I'm Stuart, and I'm gonna swim like a KeyStone dolphin." These customised slogans would often be drawn from the totemic cuddly toy that we were each obliged to select from the mantelpiece. I had a camel. Or someone else would say, "I'm gonna ride the KeyStone Express," and all the others would make supportive train-noises - "Wooh! Wooh!" And I'd be sat there in the middle thinking, "Oh great, I'm in a nuthouse."

In that situation, however, alienated from my normal surroundings, I realised that the outer surface of what I thought was my unique, individual identity was just a set of routines. We all have an essential self, but if you spend every day chopping up meat on a slab, and selling it by the pound, soon you'll find you've become a butcher. And if you don't want to become a butcher (and why would you?), you're going to have to cut right through to the bare bones of your own character in the hope of finding out who you really are. Which bloody hurts.

Perhaps you're wondering what formulated my peculiar sexuality? It ain't that peculiar. I'm a bloke from Essex who likes birds with big bottoms and big boobs, lovely dolly birds. I don't mean to be dismissive - they might be incredibly dark, fretful Sylvia Plath-style heroines for all I know - but if they are, I'd rather not find out because life's difficult enough.
The episode that defined my relations with women - and with myself - occurred in Hong Kong with my dad. I was 17. His third marriage had just broken up, so he needed someone to go on holiday with. I was unemployed, penniless, birdless and desperate for his approval; we were the perfect holiday companions. On the plane home he said, "I went away with a boy and came back with a man." Both of those people were me, so what happened to induce such a significant transition?

In addition to Hong Kong we visited Bali, Singapore and Thailand, and in all those places we saw incredible things. There was only one sight I was interested in seeing. Or rather one thing I was inerested in doing, repeatedly. One thing that chewed its way into my barren little soul and gave me, at long last, a physical pursuit that I was good at. Sex. Disposable sex, sex as leisure, sex for pleasure, sex you sordid little treasure, drag me from monotony and give me kicks too hot to measure.

On day one in Hong Kong we went to some sleazy dive hidden behind a thick black drape where women from the east traipsed louchely along the mirrored promenade in garish beachwear. That promenade was a conveyor belt from which produce could be selected; I didn't know that then but my cock did, twitching, preparing frantically, trying to recall correct procedure. "This is not a drill, repeat, this is not a drill." My dad sat there next to me, familiar with this glistening and foreign terrain.

I didn't understand what I was witnessing, but by jingo, I knew I liked it. Dumbstruck, I sat looking at the women, their hair, each strand identifiable as it responded to a fan that had been placed there to elicit exactly the reaction I felt in my pantaloons, their toenails, painted and perfect, each solitary toe a match for me. They didn't seem enslaved or exploited - to me they weren't; they were mistresses, goddesses, salvation.
"I can't wait to tell my mates that I saw these women in swimsuits," I said to myself. Before long, I was sat on a barstool with a Filipino girl called Mary-Lou, or something similarly unlikely. I thought, "I can't wait to tell my mates I was sat talking to Mary-Lou." That quickly became, "I can't wait to tell my mates I was kissing her." Then we were leaving, a street, a cab, perfume, hairspray, the three Asian prostitutes that my dad was drunkenly herding - Mary-Lou, another girl and the madam of the club, who had come along just for sport (when I learned that she'd come along without payment, I thought that a testimony to my dad's powers). Back at our hotel room, my dad set about unwrapping his two prostitutes, like pass-the-parcel where the music never stopped, and I sat nervously on the edge of the other twin bed with Mary-Lou, kissing her and thinking she was beautiful and falling in love. I'd only had anything close to sex once before - a week before my 16th birthday. I'd been careful to cultivate an image of myself as an aristocratic sex-pert, but she must have known I was a virgin as soon as the bungling encounter commenced.

In Hong Kong, I was naked and shy about my body. I had trouble getting hard, and the blow job seemed daft, not sexual, just giggly and intrusive.
After the un-sex, I carried Mary-Lou in my weedy arms out on to the balcony to look at the view of a great, looming skyscraper, disapprovingly observing. Mary-Lou didn't make me feel embarrassed, and was incredibly romantic really, given the context. I stroked Mary-Lou's hair and kissed her cheek and traced my finger down her perfect nose, scored by the cacophony from the adjacent bedlam, "Yeah, come on!" and "Phwooar, you're juicy!"
As she was about to go, she said expertly, "Russell, I must leave now before I fall in love with you." My heart skipped, and I heard, "Oh, fucking hell, I'm gonna be sick" - a disapproving announcement from dear old Ron.

The next morning, my dad, concealed behind a newspaper, folded down the top right-hand corner. "Did you wear a condom with that bird last night?" "Oh, no I didn't, Dad." He sniffed, "You should've." Then the corner of the page flicked up once again, and he was gone.
In the course of the rest of that holiday, I had sex with loads more prostitutes; always got a hard on, never wore a condom, and never fell in love. In Bangkok, when bar girls in Patpong left their posts to follow me down the street, cooing and touching my hair, I felt that I had my dad's unequivocal approval.

When I came back from Asia, I was much more comfortable around women, and my sexuality had morphed forever from bewildered innocence into something more complex and rapacious. Once my career as a comedian and TV presenter started to pick up, I began to have loads of encounters after gigs. As my sexual appetite grew, I found myself engaged in an increasingly desperate quest to satisfy it. I became so open to suggestion that when someone asked me if I'd like to go to an orgy, I didn't think twice before accepting this invitation.
The word "orgy" is undeniably an evocative one. It conjures up sumptuous images of delicate muslin drapes being teased by a breeze, Turkish music playing everywhere (in fact my whole orgy scenario seems to have been lifted pretty much wholesale from a Turkish Delight advert), nubile Nubian women entwined about each other like a Henry Moore statue, people decadently devouring grapes. I thought there'd probably be a sort of Swiss bloke with no irises or pupils in his eyes as well, just kind of staring. But what I got in a tower block in Hackney was people who looked like they were made out of Ready Brek, swathed in clingfilm, waddling back and forth with towels about their waists. And everywhere there was this intangible sadness, as if the orgy was being directed by Mike Leigh. I remember this woman came bustling out of a doorway when

I first got there - she reminded me of my mum, which didn't help - and said, "Just done my second . . . better go and rinse my mouth out." Then a washing-machine repair man turned up - not as a guest, but to repair the washing-machine.

It was to rescue me from these kinds of grisly scenarios that John Noel sent me to KeyStone. And I'm glad he did. One day I had to write a victims' list - a litany of the women I'd wronged as a result of my sexual addiction. I felt like Saddam Hussein trying to pick out individual Kurds.

· My Booky Wook, by Russell Brand, is published by Hodder & Stoughton on Thursday priced £18.99. To order a copy for £16.99 with free UK p&p go to guardian.co.uk/bookshop or call 0870 836 0875.

blog entry

2008-05-08T10:29:00.003+01:00

So, I'm feeling that dull almost throbbing pain down their today. I felt it most of yesterday too. It's what I sometimes feel when I want it, get turned on, and dont' get it. Two nights ago she was tired and we just rolled over (well, I couldn't sleep and got out of bed until 2am). Next day I was home for a meeting and tried to "get some" and failed. Not surprising I failed as she was in a hurry (as usual) and had everything else on her mind and busy schedule--but not sexy fun. So I screeched the tires as I pulled away livid with anger on my way back to work. Was stewing all evening and came back from church small group and couldn't get past my anger. I tried to pretend it was nothing, but my mood wasn't putting her in the mood. Eventually I said, "why don't we just go to sleep".

Shock, horror!!!! she said, "okay!!!!!" What was I thinking?!!!! Did I really have that much hope that she'd "pleasure me" instead of agree? Oh, I was really pissed then. The f*****g dog nextdoor wouldn't stop barking so I got out of bed again (2nd night in a row) and again slept shitty and not much. Tried in the morning, but of course she's on a tight schedule sorting out the rest of the family other than me, and in every other way except the way I tried!!!!! Damn!!! So here I am feeling that dull almost throbbing pain the 2nd day in a row. How can I make this day pass a little quicker? How will she be when I see her again? Will she feel put off by sex because of how I've been? I'm very very horny! The tireder I get the less I care about the way sex "should" be and the more willing I am to just try to get off.

Video Documentary on the Drug of Porn

2008-04-28T10:06:00.000+01:00

Wed 16th April

2008-04-16T09:28:00.003+01:00

less than an hour after my last posting, she came and propositioned me. I was still sitting there at the comuter after typing in my "woes", 15 minutes later I was happy as a pig in sh*t and all my problems seemed to never have existed.

Last night she didn't want to. I wasn't really surprised or too upset. Minutes before the "fatal" words were spoken I was almost asleep, fighting to stay awake. Ping-ponging back and forth whether to give up and suggest we go to sleep and not try any sex. I knew thats what she'd want, but it was still difficult to suggest it. Then she said those damn words. I rolled over. Got really angry. Found myself wide-awake from the near rage.

As I was laying there hoping I wouldn't soon hear her snoring, I had a new thought. If she would offer sexual relief, I'd turn it down. I just wanted to be "IN CONTROL". I wanted that more than the sexual relief itself. Hmmmm

Sex, no

2008-04-12T14:58:00.002+01:00

Two nights ago I wasn't expecting sex (I had a pretty good run beforehand, so I was phsyched up for not getting any). But I did.

Then last night I didn't get any, but it threw me as I was hoping for some.

Now it's Saturday & I heard a guy on a podcast wragging about people who aren't doing anything with their lives. He's in his late twenties, but it struck a chord. Am I like my Dad with the only thing I want out of life is "WHAT I CAN GET" from my family? How can I change it so I'm looking at what I can give? How can I get my kids to see that what's worthwhile in life comes from giving not getting. And, damn, I'd like an orgasm right about now.

Root of the Problem (only physiologically)

2008-04-11T12:31:00.002+01:00

Scientists for the first time have identified long-term changes in mice brains that may shed light on why addicts get hooked on drugs—in this case methamphetamines—and have such a tough time kicking the habit. The findings, reported in the journal Neuron, could set the stage for new ways to block cravings—and help addicts dry out.

Researchers, using fluorescent tracer dye, discovered that mice given methamphetamines for 10 days (roughly equivalent to a human using it for two years) had suppressed activity in a certain area of their brains. Much to their surprise, normal function did not return even when the drug was stopped, but did when they administered a single dose of it again after the mice had been in withdrawal.Study co-author Nigel Bamford, a pediatric neurologist at the University of Washington School of Medicine, says that if similar changes occur in humans, it will indicate that an effective way to fight addiction may be to design therapies that target the affected area—the striatum, a forebrain region that controls movement but also has been linked to habit-forming behavior.

Previous research has shown that the drug stimulates nerve cells in the midbrain to release dopamine into the synapses (connections between neurons) in the striatum. Dopamine (which is connected to reward processing, motivation and attention) is one of the brain's primary neurotransmitters, the chemical messengers by which one neuron triggers its neighbor to fire a nerve impulse.In this case, Bamford says, the excess dopamine affected the flow of information from the cortex (the brain's central processing unit) to the striatum. Specifically, it appeared to partially block nerve cells in the cortex from releasing glutamate, another neurotransmitter, which is responsible for excitation. "Dopamine provides a filtering effect that may help you concentrate on the novel object or pleasurable stimulus," Bamford says. Too much could explain addictive or compulsive behavior, because it would help a user ignore other things and focus a lot of attention on one particular goal.

Researchers found that chronic use of the drug kept the brain in this state of "chronic depression," in essence suppressing the neural terminals controlling the flow of signals between the cortex and striatium—even after a long period of several weeks. But normal activity resumed after the drug was reintroduced.Bamford believes the key lies in other neurons found in the striatum, which release the neurotransmitter acetylcholine that, he says, acts like a "memory switch". When dopamine is released by meth use, it lessens acetylcholine levels in the striatum; continued drug use reduces it to as low as 10 percent. This decrease, in turn, affects glutamate levels, which also drop perilously low, thereby resulting in the chronic depression of information flow in the brain.

When methamphetamine is administered after a period of withdrawal, however, the dopamine released by the midbrain neurons has the opposite effect on the acetylcholine cells, prompting them to release the chemical into the striatum. This, in turn, stimulates the production of glutamate, somehow causing the system to reset itself to a pre-addictive state.Bamford says that if researchers can pinpoint the resetting mechanism, it would enable them to design nonaddictive drugs to trigger it.

"The identification of this quite complicated mechanism gives you different opportunities to address the root of the problem so the synapse can be renormalized without the use of the psychostimulant," he says. "A better target would be to determine how these [acetylcholine neurons] are learning to stay depressed and work directly with those."

Till Death Do Us Part?

2008-04-08T13:15:00.001+01:00

Yet, socially, it appears humans favor monogamy.

Helen Fischer, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University looked at ninety-seven societies, and found that 92 percent of men and 93 percent of women marry, and most take only one spouse.

There is even brain wiring that sets us up for this long-term attachment.

While the first stages of romantic courtship involve lust, ruled by the powerful hormone testosterone, followed by love, ruled by the feel good hormones serotonin and dopamine, we eventually settle into long-term attachment.

This is thought to be fueled by oxytocin and vasopressin, which make us feel connected to both mates and children.

Anger Answers

2008-03-25T09:54:00.001Z

"cardiac coherence".

This is an improved physiological state which enables Jason's brain to work properly at times when it would normally shut down.
Once he knew how to get his brain working properly, we taught Jason how to identify what triggers his outbursts and take avoiding action or catch the escalation before the explosion occurs.
Jason needed to burn off his excess adrenaline and we chose the discipline of martial arts to help him channel his energy.

Reality

2008-02-25T02:19:00.004Z

I don't have a woman who will strip or tease or flirt with me seductively.
I don't have a woman who will surprise me dressing sexy.
I don't have a woman who will think of ways to please me and drive me crazy.
I don't have a woman who wants to make love in different places or at different times.
I don't have a woman who can never get enough sex.
I don't have a woman who wants sex more than other things.

I could now list 30 things that I do have in my woman. Things that are more important and more valuable. But this diary is not a place where I have to list both sides of every issue. I don't have to be the voice of reason or balance. I can moan and complain and bitch. So I have! Hurray! (sarcasm). Not as good as an orgasm, but I've found that lonely orgasms aren't worth a shit anyway.

%!$&~£|z5>$8*

2008-02-25T01:35:00.009Z

So, tonight I was hoping for some lovin'. Why? Well, I'm going away tomorrow for several days. I often think, "She's going to get a break from sex with me (exactly what she wants) but I won't get any sex away from her (exactly what I DON'T want). " why do i feel sorry for myself when I don't get what I want, I quickly associate her saying no to me as her not wanting me.

Last night she was too tired so... NO SEX (if feels like nothing, but I guess she did give me conversation, a meal, care for my kids, companionship, etc.

So, no sex last night, and no sex tomorrow or the next night or for three more nights!

She could have given to me sexually last night, but she decided not to because she was tired. She's not a robot or a porn actress pretending to live just to pleasure me, but I'm pissed off thinking about how I'm not getting any sex for a lot longer than I'm used to. She knew we weren't going to be able to be together for almost a week, but after a long and hard evening with the kids all on her own (I worked a double-shift) she was again tired. So I talked to her and listened to her and was there for her in ways that I thought she'd appreciate most. But then at the end she was too tired to feel like giving to me in the way that I wanted most. She could have, but she's no robot or sex slave.

So no matter what I do, sometimes she'll say no. There's no avoiding it, no escaping it. There's no sex slave to pleasure me and give me an escape from the fact that I have to go cold turkey through these times when what I want doesn't match what I can get.

Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit!
Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit!
Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit! Fuck! FUCK! SHIT! SHITTT! SHITTTT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT!! FUCK!!! Shit! FUCK!!!! Shit!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! Shit!

Sunday 24th Feb 08

2008-02-24T08:52:00.002Z

Two hundred twenty one days since my last masturbation. Sounds like so much more than 7 months, but there you go.

Sex is a blessing, not a right.
No one does it daily.

I'm finding myself sometimes not hard when we're messing around. It's when I think she's not really into it, but doing it for me. I can't ignore that like I used to. There'll be a day when I'll say, "look, let's try another time (but will I be angry?!!!).

I find myself wanting her to want to do it, it's not enough to just "do it". Porn people pretend, real lovers are just that,... real.

Choices in Anger

2008-02-21T14:55:00.001Z

"People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings.

The three main approaches are

expressing,
suppressing,
and calming.

Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger.

To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others.

Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others."

Anger uncovered

2008-02-21T13:32:00.004Z

"Anger is generally the result of frustration and feelings of inadequacy when the attainment of a goal is blocked"

I'm interested in researching what Anger really is. Biologically, chemically.

I might be posting a lot of what I find here.

(plus I'm gonna start a discussion with my son who struggles with anger (like me) and encourage him that not getting what he wants doesn't mean he's useless, being angry might link to him feeling rubbish about himself.

words to look up:
blood pressure, adrenaline, noradrenaline, hormones...

external or internal

2008-02-18T11:52:00.002Z

I had an insightful thought at the weekend....

"If good sex really has nothing to do with garter belts and stockings or being somewhere other than the usual bed, then why am I getting angry that I'm not getting those shallow external things?" Why not just concentrate on what I know helps with good sex:

intimacy
communication
being "in-tune"
honesty
taking time to honour and bless her

But I carried my anger through our talking and foreplay.

Only a day or two later did this thought resurface. Actually it was just before I started typing this entry. (Hello anyone who found me via Attitudes of Sexual Integrity or God & Cigarettes). Here's something especially for you, paraphrasing C. Russ Chaw himself

Sarcasm

2008-02-18T11:23:00.004Z

Though they may not be aware of it, sarcasm is their means of indirectly expressing aggression toward others and insecurity about themselves. Wrapping their thoughts in a joke shields them from the vulnerability that comes with directly putting one's opinions out there. "Sarcastic people protect themselves by only letting the world see a superficial part of who they are," says Steven Stosny, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist and anger specialist. "They're very into impression management."

(emphasis mine)

Examine your motivations.
Some people resort to over-the-top sarcasm in an attempt to shore up their own self-image. Consider whether you yourself harbor feelings of inadequacy. Once you feel comfortable with who you are, you won't need to hide behind a veil of sarcasm.

Health

2008-02-16T20:21:00.002Z

according to Pure Intimacy

Psychological and spiritual health depends on the ability of an individual or family to:

Face a trauma;

Work through the issues involved in the trauma;

Grieve the traumatic event or process;

Move into healing.

Hole

2008-02-16T15:38:00.004Z

I want a hole. I've given up on using my fist.

But in the search of significance and the long slow walkabout toward healing....
I just want a tight hole.

Not very enlightened. Not Christlike at all.

Why am I angry today? I "got off" last night --even in the exact way I hoped.

So the anger isn't really about sex, or even about getting my own way (unless I'm still angry about the three days in a row when I didn't get it before last night).

I know one thing, I'd like a hole to rub against for about two or three minutes. Then the drug would be released in my body and I'd feel better.

Mabye not for long. Maybe not better in many ways. Maybe not even better.

But that's what I want.